January 13th 2026 - Happy Lxvii-th birthday Matthew Scott Harris

date of conception:? ~
Late March – mid April 1958.
date of parturition:
January xiii, mcmlix.
date of expiration:?
January i, eminem,
anno domini where
earth, wind, and fire
courtesy matchbox twenty
doth usher weeknd
where the guess who
starring hootie and the blowfish
on a green day,
and a three dog night
three doors down from foo fighters,
now fugees beastie boy
all man brother's queen
for the wu tan clan
among village people
witnessed barenaked lady
welcoming little feet
that didst pitter patter
some months later
within crowded house
where counting crows
for the yardbirds.

A gangly, horribly measly,
and scraggly bundle
of lovely bones even as a lad
(way to skinny
to appease wicked witch -
scaring the bejesus
out of Hansel and Gretel),
nevertheless boot he came out
kicking and screaming
and he never stopped since
that's how I will get carried out
out of this webbed wide world.

Yours truly an aging
married baby boomer
(orangutan missing link)
long haired pencil necked geek
(constantly clearing
phlegm from his throat)
trademark disheveled characteristics
whipsawed ever faster around sun
quickly ratcheting
and spiraling tornado like
nearly 30 kilometers per second,
or 67,000 miles per hour clip;
while sprawled atop earth,
he journeyed, jumpstarted, kickstarted,
launched countless planetary orbitz
quintessentially retracing trajectory
when Gaia linkedin courtesy gravity
maintaining invisible bond with Helios.

He (best nutty buddy
and alter ego of mine),
which birth sported an ordinary
uneventful, nevertheless miraculous
combination platter visited
accommodation, capitulation, elimination...
from womb duffel sweet spot
nsync with erratic spastic seminal kicks
divine fertilization usually took place
in a fallopian youtube
playing mine unrehearsed debut appearance
after an ovary to the uterus
wrought conception, which
begat biological reproductive process
fostered embryonic development
of Boyce and Harriet straggly heir,
one male progeny mostly
gangly lovely bones mox nix
from the German phrase, es macht nichts
“(doesn't matter)”
not to be easily confused
with Metallica song titled
Nothing Else Matters
cellular division yes genesis
I rem:member being born
as an a door able
beatle browed talking head
super tramping cheap trick
immediately kickstarted and triggered
goo goo doll foo fighter enfant terrible
terrifically soulfully bellowing;
also envision Dolby surround sound
without assistance courtesy
Gran Prix (for poetic purpose
pronounceable sex pistols pricks).

Upon due date when water broke
vaguely analogous to how rice krispies
snapped, popped, and crackled;
firstly his crown emerged out cervix
ain't got pushed by no
heavy duty contractions out birth canal
no sirree but propelled seven plus pounds
analogous to fired torpedo
courtesy infantile flatulence
asthma noggin heralded
scrawny declaration, now celebrating lx
plus seven ellipses around nearest star,
subsequently skinny arms and legs
(I'll spare ye the
bloody, gory, mucky graphics
with the afterbirth -
the first organ that forms —
even before any of baby's organs —
post conception regarding
placenta and fetal membranes
discharged from the uterus
after the birth of offspring),
whence obstetrician able, eager,
ready, and willing to secure newborn
in swaddling raiment
affirming proud parents
their healthy baby boy
underscored with italics
readied to receive pronounced hosannas
regarding garden variety
generic wrinkled rumpled stilts skin
likened to an old manikin newborn.

Within some now nondescript building
then named The Christ Hospital
location Mount Auburn
Cincinnati, Ohio
(the Buckeye state)
record number C57587
gingerly handled courtesy
Doctor James Mackay McCord
(ushering none other than me
into the webbed wide world)
bestowed upon bosom
of Harriet Harris (maternal parent),
after thy young mother
experienced brief labor
as his bonny head
and bony derrière easily
slipped out uterine crypt,
whereby with Vernix
caseosa, the waxy or cheese substance,
he appeared er made
rather wicked, matted, and dipped
in tallow, thence unexpectedly whipped
minuscule fist ready to bump.

Once placenta – which helps sustain functions
that the baby not yet mature enough
to do on its own as it grows,
and develops within the womb,
and passes on the Mother's antibodies
to help keep the baby healthy
for several months
after birth and fetal membranes
and other once significant material
heralded reason for wingding
when by George thoroughly
and goodly byproducts
discharged out uterus
after birth of offspring,
and thar weren't no more
major contractions in the offing
ma mommy lovingly did cling
to her bundle of joy and bring
maternal breast I ravenously
did suckle fortunately toothless
against her tender bosom trickling
(if mammary serves me correctly),
I presently recall no iota of inkling
what events transpired, nope
no recollection
about me being circumcised.

Traditionally a mohel is a rabbi,
cantor or another religious leader
who performs brit milah,
or bris, a circumcision ceremony,
on an 8-day-old.

Moost likely I felt Jew bull lent
glad yours truly chose decent
mother and father, which opinion
subjected to radical change,
when as grown adult child
living nonsocial under
their roof housing forced to hire agent
provocateur to practice sparring,
when standoff event on horizon,
which eventually begat ultimatums,
where mutual quiet riot revulsion
swallowed me into a black hole
their red hot poker rage spent
belittling, cursing, damning...
quiet as Unitarian Church mouse content
internalizing later smoldering
anger I needed to vent
in retrospect diminutive little boy
tied to mama's apron strings
afflicted with mental
health issues inherent
of course hindsight gleaned
social, psychological, neurological...
healthy development got rent
asunder partly explaining
why I became indigent,
cuz absolute zero ambition
to hustle and convince
prospective employers to hire me,
an astute candidate with
deaf fin knit muted confidence
and a future pluperfect mean mien
characterized by latitudinarian,
nonestablishmentarian, Pennsylvanian
and Unitarian qualities.