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Jan 01, 2011
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January Winds (Originally Written as a song)
January Winds
Cool and clear December nights
And cold January winds.
December cheer and Christmas lights,
Now the New Year begins.
Sitting alone with no-one around,
Thinking 'bout times that's been
Makes your spirit feel so down,
Frozen by January's wind.
Wondering what the New Year brings,
Sitting in my easy chair.
With thoughts of love and other things,
Floating on the frosty air.
Remembering December nights
January's seems too long
Hoping for some cheerful sights
To say that January's gone.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Rett
14 years 6 months ago
Thanks amalzamani
I am doing one once in a while. I got my first novel published last year. Finished my second and looking for an agent while I am working on a third one along with helping out here. *L* Retirement is grand. I've never been so busy.
I'll see what I can come up with on that last line. I appreciate it. May the New Year bring you joy.
Rett
14 years 6 months ago
Dangerous Fare
It can be ordered from Amazon.com or the Publish America Website.
Rett
14 years 6 months ago
Thanks Ian
I appreciate that immensely old friend. Will make the change. Works great.
magics02
14 years 6 months ago
I like this Rett
How I can see you sitting there in the moments you wrote this and the memories in the cold making you warm. Now Texan I would love to hear you sing this song or play it on your harmonica. Blessings to you and your family for a very happy new year.
Amore
Mona
Rett
14 years 6 months ago
Trust me
You DON'T EVER want to hear me sing. *LOL*
Psyve
14 years 6 months ago
Rett,
Some nice imagery here.
As a songwriter myself, I would be very interested to HEAR this one.
Do you have a link to the music somewhere?
Not having actually HEARD your singing of this, the following suggestions may be way off the mark: Feel free to ignore them if they are. But for what they are worth, from a Songwriter's perspective:
V1 line 4: from a METER point of view, there seems to be an extra syllable here you may want to consider losing: Suggest you either replace the last word "begins"with a suitable single syllable word or simply re-word this line to "A New Year Begins"
V2 Line 2 : consider replacing "that's" with " that've " ?
V4 Line 4 : Consider replacing " To say that January's gone" with "Once January's gone"?
Keep or Sweep. :-)
Cheers
Psyve
Rett
14 years 6 months ago
Thanks a lot
Good suggestions. I can write the words, hear how I want it to sound, but I can't sing or play. My oldest son is a musician (took after his mother I guess, although my dad could play anything by ear) I'm tone deaf mostly.
Will do some editing tomorrow. I really appreciate the suggestions. The best I could do is sing it in the rhythm I want, but it would cause someone with a musical ear/talent to shudder in pain.
raj
14 years 6 months ago
Dear Rett..
the turmoil of the mind...thoughts and feelings in this write is very palpable...
may the New Year augur very well for you dear friend...
armly...
Rett
14 years 6 months ago
Thank you Raj
Your kind words are appreciated.
scribbler
14 years 6 months ago
winds
Superb imagery in this write ! Got a few ideas that you can consider :
L-4 now the chill new year begins (gives an added beat)
L-5 replace " with " with a comma
L-8 change January's ti mid winter's ( avoids over use of january and I think improves flow)
Last line try :
time that January's gone
3rd stanza was my favorite........................scribbler
Rett
14 years 6 months ago
Thanks Scribbler
Suggestions are always needed and appreciated.