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Geezer
Geezer
Nov 05, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

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This poem is part of the challenge:

11/24 Just One Beer

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Joe's Place...

I was hanging out at Joe's
thought I'd grab myself a beer.
When I heard the ruckus.
I thought, How'd she find me here?

I wasn't going to stay too long,
I just wanted to relax.
Have a beer with my mates,
but here comes that battle-axe.

I didn't have one swallow,
it was just a little sip.
There was barely any evidence,
naught but foam upon my lip.

She screamed obscenities
like a preacher cursing lies,
rough language from her mouth,
there was fire in her eyes.

"Drink will be the death of you,"
she yelled for all to hear.
I said, "For Heaven's sake, you witch,
it's only just one beer.

Now, I'm sleeping on a park bench,
the policeman comes around.
He says, "Go on home there Mickey,
or to the clink you're bound."

I made a heartfelt plea,
made my voice sincere.
"Please don't make me face her,
on only just one beer."

"Hell Jack, I'll gladly go,
and get away from here,
but let me drink this bottle,
and chase it with one beer."

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

neopoet

7 months 3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Joe's Place" demonstrates a clear narrative structure, which is commendable. It tells a story that is easy to follow, with a protagonist, conflict, and resolution. The use of dialogue and direct speech adds a layer of realism to the poem and helps to further characterize the individuals involved.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhyme scheme. The first two stanzas follow an ABAB pattern, but this is not maintained throughout the poem. Consistency in rhyme scheme can help to create a more rhythmic and harmonious reading experience.

The poem also uses a casual, conversational tone which is appropriate for the setting and characters. However, the language could be more figurative or metaphorical to add depth and complexity. For instance, instead of saying "there was fire in her eyes," consider using a metaphor that hasn't been overused to describe her anger.

The poem's theme of conflict between personal desire and societal expectations is clear, but could be explored more deeply. The protagonist's struggle with alcohol and his relationship could be given more context or backstory to make the reader more invested in the outcome.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more visual imagery. While the actions and dialogue are clear, the physical setting of Joe's place is not described in detail. Adding more sensory details can help to immerse the reader in the poem's world.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Geezer

7 months 3 weeks ago

I'm not...

sure if I should Get rid of one of the last two stanzas. Or maybe switch the two? What do you think?

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dear Geezer,

I like it the way it is...wait and see what others think?

hugs, Cat x

Geezer

Geezer

7 months 3 weeks ago

Yeah...

I guess a wait and see attitude, would be best. Thank you, ~ Geez.
.

RoseBlack

RoseBlack

7 months 3 weeks ago

This

Was a fun one. I can just see the old battle axe finding poor Mickey and making him sleep on the park bench! Hopefully he goes home and they make up.

Geezer

Geezer

7 months 3 weeks ago

Thanks...

for the read and comments, I think that poor Mickey will sober up eventually and go back home. He has too much time invested in the old battleaxe, to start a new relationship. ~ Geez.
.

Lavender

Lavender

7 months 2 weeks ago

Joe's Place

Hello, Geezer,
I really like this, just the way it is. Flows well and has a clever ending.
Thank you!
L

Geezer

Geezer

7 months 2 weeks ago

Thank you...

I was just sitting here, wondering which subject to write about, and saw a beer commercial, a couple of guys working in the hot sun, and here we are. ~ Geez.
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