Neopoem Of The Week Contest November 13th to November 19th 2022

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Juvenile Detention

I know you don’t know what you’re doing.
I know you don’t know how to heal.
But the way that you hit me
and the way that you hurt me
left me with nothing to feel.

You said you loved me, and left me
alone in this upside-down world.
Your eyes looking down
and your lips turn to frown
and your hands tightly fisted and curled.

“I do this because I love you”
“You have a lesson to learn.”
My skin turns to ice
and I run for my life
'til my body is ready to burn.

Running forever, it’s seeming.
Breathless and freezing and hot.
But I run from my home
the only place that I’ve known.
My whole life, I wish I forgot.

Flashing blue lights are behind me.
Do I stop? Do I run? Do I hide?
“Do you have any weapons?”
“You are being discrepant.”
“Do what you need to keep her inside.”

Alone in my bedroom, my prison.
I sit, once again, all alone.
There’s no one who’s there
and no one to care.
The only place that I can call home.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I debated on whether to publish this one or not, but I appreciate constructive feedback. In fact, tear it apart. I need extra eyes on it. I don't typically rhyme and I am not yet familiar with the different forms of poetry and rhyming structures but I gave it a go. The topic is true to my childhood and everything quoted is direct from my mother and the police officer who returned me to her when I ran away. Despite this, this is not a sensitive topic for me, so rip it up.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: USA - Georgia, USA

Favorite Poets: Lord Alfred Tennyson, Robert Frost, Allen Ginsberg, Walt Whitman , Misha Collins, John Donne

Comments

Geezer

2 years 7 months ago

This is an interesting poem...

in many respects.
I love your five-line format. It lends itself very well to the rhythm
and feel of the poem. I am glad that you feel good enough to say; rip it up
you don't have any sensitivity to the subject. I think you have done a fine job of expressing yourself in rhyme.
It doesn't seem to have limited you in any way. I write mostly in rhyme but there are times
that I write free verse and even some prose now and then. Your rhythm is just about perfect
and I find no fault. ~ Geezer.
.

Kristen H.

2 years 7 months ago

Thank you!

Thank you so much for the feedback! I really appreciate your honest opinion!

Rosewood Apothecary

2 years 7 months ago

Agree with Geezer

The five line stanzas are perfect for a poem of this subject matter. Life being chaotic and absurd, it has a way of being extra. The extra line in each stanza is reflective of this phenomenon. Just when you think it’s over, here’s a little more.

The poem is really good so there’s not much to “rip” into.

Tim