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Jan 15, 2025
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Keeping score
A dark cloud,
Consumed my mind,
All sense of reason,
Became so hard to find.
Like heavy bricks,
Anchoring me down,
My swimming mind,
Could easily drown.
Multiple connectors,
Creaking and groaning.
In steely determination,
Until I elicit a moan.
A plethora of places,
Bare trauma's name.
Keeping score,
On pain's game.
And a bent structure,
Not standing proud.
Instead it's leaning,
Against the crowd.
Futher down,
At structure's turn,
I do question,
What trauma learned.
Still further on,
Sensations did journey.
Why am I not?
Upon a patient gurney.
And vibration shocks,
Back up to the top.
Like an earthquake,
Refusing to stop.
Then the finale,
And pinnacle of pain.
A void for the carrier,
With no actual gain.
Adding insult to injury,
Burdening each day.
In this guilt ridden ,
Historic giving way.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Keeping Score" presents a vivid portrayal of mental struggle, using a variety of metaphors and similes to convey the speaker's experience. However, there are areas where clarity and coherence could be improved to enhance the overall impact of the poem.
1. Imagery: The poem uses a range of metaphors to depict the speaker's mental state, such as "a dark cloud," "heavy bricks," and "an earthquake." While these images are powerful, they could be more effectively used if they were more closely linked or developed throughout the poem. Currently, they seem somewhat disjointed, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow the speaker's emotional journey.
2. Structure: The poem's structure is consistent, with each stanza comprising four lines. This regularity provides a sense of stability that contrasts effectively with the turmoil depicted in the poem. However, the rhyme scheme is inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising the poem to establish a more consistent rhyme scheme.
3. Language: The language used in the poem is generally clear and accessible. However, there are instances where the wording could be more precise to convey the speaker's experience more effectively. For example, in the line "Multiple connectors, / That creak and groan," it's unclear what the "connectors" refer to. Clarifying this could enhance the reader's understanding and engagement.
4. Theme: The theme of mental struggle is clearly conveyed throughout the poem. However, the poem could benefit from a clearer resolution or message to give the reader a sense of closure and to reinforce the poem's overall impact.
In summary, while the poem effectively uses imagery and maintains a consistent structure, it could benefit from greater coherence in its use of metaphors, a more consistent rhyme scheme, more precise language, and a clearer resolution or message.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
6 months ago
Hi Kaz, you’ve created
Hi Kaz, you’ve created something very heartfelt and meaningful here, thank you for sharing. I think with a little polish, it could shine even brighter, perhaps use a syllable checker to help you tighten up your lines? I use this one:
https://www.howmanysyllables.com/syllable_counter/
Ruby xxx :)
Tigger Kaz
6 months ago
Ai does not get it
The poem touches on mental struggles, however it's largely about Physical health issues.
Heavy bricks refers to the weight of pain on my body.
Earthquake refers to the shock waves of pain, that shoots down my legs.
Connectors refer to my joints, in which I have arthritis.
When I wrote a poem that's obvious in what it speaks about, AI suggests I show not tell (by using metaphors).
When I write a poem using metaphors, and show not tell, AI cannot understand what I mean.
Also when I write poetry that has a consistent meter, I am told I should vary the line lengths.
Then when I vary it, that's wrong too.
Erm what's it to be AI... Metaphor or plain words? Varied meter, or consistent meter?
One confused poet here.
Ruby Lord
6 months ago
AI's a knob. Ruby xxx :)
AI's a knob. Ruby xxx :)