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Esker
Esker
Mar 04, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

kommision

love like omission
slip the border free
and machine gun lust
in the stride
the cobbestone stilleto
sound
in the reflection of the
towers of ray ban surrender

I cant see the sun
in your eyes
just your river cold hands
sliding across my face

you walk down the curve
at dusk
beyond the view
of this span

and jets tear holes
in the sky
where they lift
off

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: north ontario, CAN

Favorite Poets: Klo , .., Ida, .., Rhiannon1010, .., Pleiades, .., Valryianne, .., Ester, .., Stephanie, .., Emina Smajevic, ..., Elefentee, ..., Sommer Lyn, ..., Jasmine, ..., Rula, ...

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Comments

O

Orphani

14 years 4 months ago

Another great piece mr cool,

Another great piece mr cool, though your view is tending toward the myopic in content--though we of course must write what we are. Your imaginative view of internally blending your metaphors of emotion and place to create moody scenes that are the essence of your experience are masterful: (your forte). I think your weakness is in the over all structure and flow. The opening stanza is a bit awkward and chops a bit to the tongue. If you just pluralized omission (s) you could smooth it out. Plus the cute title falls flat without an explanation. Nice write-- your work is nearing a publishable quality with a polish.

B

loved

loved

14 years 4 months ago

congratulations for the above assessment

.Congratulations for the Above Assessment

How I wish

Some one

Could some day
Something
Like this one
Say...
For some one
Like I am the one
Hopefully
But congratulations

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 4 months ago

this feels really edgy to me mate

do I detect a relation between the spelling of kommission and the german Kommissar, for a commissioned officer?
until
towers of ray ban surrender
ray ban sunglasses, LA?

love lost to cultural differences?

I seldom try to analyse your poetry, it presents itself as a complete, existential portrait in time.

But this one I can't resist.

Am I way off the mark?

O

Orphani

14 years 4 months ago

This is the pits gentlemen,

This is the pits gentlemen, this is Esker's poem, and Barry's comment. Please stay on topic and take your ummm... vitriol to a blog (Barry told me to write that!).

How about workshopping instead of griping?

EH?

~Anna not Barry.