lou

Oct 31, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Lacerated

Should your eyes behold another
my heart would break
Into infinitesimal fractions.

Shards of emotion would scar
my inner turmoil, pulling
me apart

Lacerated physicality, contorting.
Descent into the abyss,
the very root of my mentality.

A maelstrom of insanity.
Your love has devoured me,
left me flailing , out of control.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

About the Author

Region, Country: West London, GBR

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda , Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg, D.H Lawrence, Jim Morrison's lyrics,

Comments

lou

14 years 8 months ago

Title

Ignore the title I have tried to correct it but it won't save.

So I'll try to correct it again later.

Lou

mand

14 years 8 months ago

Hello Lou!!!!

Imagery drew me in, packed full of loves emotion, "emotion scaring the inner turmoil".

Really really good poem

Well done Lou.

Love Mand xxxxxx

lou

14 years 8 months ago

Hi Mand

it's so nice to here from everyone again.

Thank you

Love Lou xx

lou

14 years 8 months ago

Shirley

Thanks mate

love lou

lou

14 years 8 months ago

hi

thanks

lou xx

whitescatter

14 years 8 months ago

your etes?

i guess you mean "your eyes"..right? but great write by the way..keep it up..

lou

14 years 8 months ago

Title

I left a comment explaining the new site won't let me edit the title

lou

Victorclaude

14 years 8 months ago

Lou,

Well written raw and honest view of what might be if the roving eye of a lover was distracted by another. These words are balanced on a razor's edge with coherency from beginning to end, and I agree with Jayne about the word 'But' in the last line.

Powerhouse of a work~! All lovers can relate to this one.

Victor

lou

14 years 8 months ago

Victor

Thank you , I will remove but.

lou

judyanne

14 years 8 months ago

wonderful lou

the last line made me laugh

great write lou - i really felt the passion and emotion and out of control feeling (up to the last line that is .... smile)

i think 'your eyes' for the title is a little tame.... but sorry - i have no constructive suggestions....
maybe 'captivity' ..... ???

one other tiny thing...
'Decent into the abyss' - (descent?)

awesome read lou
love
judy
xxxx

lou

14 years 8 months ago

Judy

I'm a little put out that you laughed at the last line,

Thank you anyway

Lou

judyanne

14 years 8 months ago

not in an 'i think it's stupid or funny' way laugh

more a cynical and appreciative laugh lou
i thought it was an excellent finish
love judy
xxxxx

lou

14 years 8 months ago

No worries

I've cut the last verse altogether, I think the poem is better now.

Love Lou xx

judyanne

14 years 8 months ago

lou!!

why did you remove the last line?
i really thought it 'made' the poem..... truly - the laugh was a good one, you know, the shoulder-shrug-yes-that's-how-things-are-type smile of acceptance.....

also - love the title change

love judy
xxxx