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Lady's Night (pt.2 Recconing of a Cat) reworked
Donning my "Cat armor",
loose fitting, white,
it will reflect every
little nick, every bite.
Choosing to be fluid
in action, word and deed
unrestricted and quick
to defend my urgent need.
Plate Mail is her shield
some feel she is over dressed
shooting cannons at mosquitos
she feels an offense is best.
Arriving early for an ambush,
her attempt is clumsy and slow.
She has filed her claws to points,
for a killing strike from below...
Instead of facing it squarely
she cries out "I have been stricken!"
(because she didn't like my question!)
If I don't die, I shall surely sicken...
This creature is without honor,
the "win" out-weighs the means
so she has stacked the deck,
honesty is not within her genes!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: more styx notepad updated on: 10-22-2024
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Lady's Night (pt.2 Recconing of a Cat)" presents a vivid narrative of a battle, using metaphorical language to depict the characters and their actions. The use of armor and warfare imagery effectively conveys the intensity of the situation. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
1. Consistency in Metaphor: The poem seems to oscillate between two different metaphorical frameworks: one of a knight donning armor, and the other of a cat preparing for a fight. While it's possible to blend metaphors, it's important to do so in a way that doesn't confuse the reader. The system suggests choosing one metaphorical framework and sticking to it throughout the poem.
2. Clarity in Characterization: The poem introduces two characters, but it's not entirely clear who they are or what their relationship is. The system suggests providing more context or detail about these characters to help the reader understand their motivations and the stakes of the battle.
3. Rhythm and Meter: The poem's rhythm and meter are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. The system suggests revising the poem with a consistent rhythm and meter in mind to enhance its musicality and readability.
4. Show, Don't Tell: The final two lines of the poem tell the reader that the creature has no honor and has stacked the deck, but it might be more powerful to show this through the creature's actions or dialogue. The system suggests revising these lines to show the creature's dishonesty rather than telling the reader about it.
5. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult for the reader to understand the intended pauses and breaks in the poem. The system suggests adding punctuation to guide the reader through the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
8 months 2 weeks ago
Dearest candle
I, at first thought that this is sth about the author, but then realized it is more about a real cat:)
Please correct me if I'm off the track.
My favorite lines:
"This creature is without honor,
the "win" out-weighs the means
so she has stacked the deck,
honesty is not within her genes"
I found this a mix of humor and amusement though been from eddy's styx.
Please let me know if that was the author intend.
Thank you for sharing and best wishes.my friend.
Instead of facing it squarely
she cries out "I have been stricken!"
(because she didn't like my question!)
If I don't die, I shall surely sicken
Candlewitch
8 months 2 weeks ago
Dear Rula,
it is about me, as a real cat, and my adversary, too, so yes to your question! eddy styx was a big influence on the poem. this is about my eldest sister. Fighting dirty is her forte. thank you so very much for reading and asking questions! It is greatly appreciated!
your friend, Candle (the cat)