I feel like those lines are the anchor and the only suggestion I might give is to make them their own stanza making it a three stanza poem. Just a suggestion that I feel would strengthen a poem absent of flaws.

Tim

Seren

2 years 4 months ago

Dear Tim

I am humbled thank you so much, this has been a poem I worked on for a very long time. I have a tendency to write like this in certain poems of freestyle, not all as you will see. There was a poet here a few years ago called Esker (Steven) who's passed on, who also wrote like I do and he was incredibly talented, he once told me to stop doing everyone else and be me. There was also a poet and friend called Weirdelf (Jess) who was my sparing partner who's also left us another genius imho who taught me that this has become a style in recent years, I will consider changing the format, I'll play with it some. I don't draw it down the page to create a longer looking poem I do it to speak to the reader how it is in my head. OK sorry for the letter reply I am so happy you liked it!

I will be round later in my AM I will come for a visit lol

Lovely to meet you!

Sincerely Jayne-Chloe

Addendum; after careful consideration I agree I am going to make this a three stanza poem.

RoseBlack

2 years 6 months ago

Breathless

This absolutely left me breathless, the whole thing...such beautiful language and vivid imagery. Neo really needs emojis so I could show how much I love this.

Seren

2 years 6 months ago

Dear RoseBlack

Thanks so much for your very kind comment, I'm chuffed you liked it so. Yes we have needed Emoji's for years I kept telling them lol I'll be round to visit your page later I look forward to reading your work!!

So nice to meet you!!

Sincerely Jayne-Chloe

lovedly

2 years 6 months ago

Seren

Like jess
when will you kick me
so that this now
fatty really ole'y
can reach heaven smilingly
very few like you
now abide with me
@83
will you believe
Hope ur well sis
aussie

Seren

2 years 6 months ago

Ello sweets

I will kick your ass or Jess will haunt me lol
Darlin I don't abide you, I truly came to love you over the years and the many times you had me tearing my hair out lol

I'm so so shrug best I can do at the minute. I will be round to visit you later when I post. I have missed you!

Goodness 83? Wow that times gone by so fast! I lost my Dad in May he was 93. I was born in his middle age crisis lol

I miss him more than anyone could know.

Love and biggest hugs J xxx