Neopoet Random Challenge number 1

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The Last Time I Had Ice-cream... [Challenge]

It was 'long about midnight
I was lying there in bed
There it was, just out of sight
But I heard it in my head

It was calling from the freezer
It was whispering my name
Saying; "Come and get me Geezer"
I succumbed, to my horror and shame

I filled the bowl with Black Cherry
It is my personal delight
I was ashamed... but not very
No one to see, in the dead of night

Black-cherries and sweet cream
I marveled at its' taste
I fell into a waking dream
I Licked the bowl and avoided waste!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I've decided to make all the last lines nine beats instead of ten or whatever. Only one needed another beat to make it. These challenges are fun!

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Arrow

4 years 3 months ago

I was ashamed . . . but not very

great! I fee like this a lot of the time. Been there, done that, done it again - so relatable. As for the 1st and last stanzas, they might be improved with more even meter. I wonder if "It was long (not along) about midnight" would work better. It may just sound more familiar to me. The last line for me stumbles a bit. I would probably try and make all the last lines except for the first stanza 10 beats.

Maybe:
I succumbed to my horror and [my] shame
No one to see [me], in the dead of night
Licked the bowl to avoid the sin of waste

I enjoyed this.

Geezer

4 years 3 months ago

I'm going to...

give it a little time to settle and then look at it with fresh eyes. Thanks for the read and critique! ~ Geez.
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lovedly

4 years 3 months ago

geez~~~~~you water my eyes sorry mouth

You water my eyes sorry mouth
last summer I was driving south
then I heard a sharp shrill voice
have an ice cream I had no choice

kind a sonnety kind
aabb
geez you fill in
cdcd
though sonnet is
ababcdcd efef gg

Geezer

4 years 3 months ago

Thank you...

for the good critique, I am going to let it set overnight and see how it looks in the morning. ~ Geez.
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Geezer

4 years 3 months ago

Thank you...

It's one of my weaknesses. I try to resist, the siren-song of it overcomes my sensibilities! I've made a few changes to this post and hope that I've done good. ~ Geez.
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