To a Late Afternoon Dahlia in a Suburban Garden

I see this is your first post. Allow me to welcome you. I read your bio and your last words.

I think that this poem is very good. The language and wording are good, you’ve got some nice alliteration in places. Definitely feels like a spoken word piece. The title is long however, you can’t really describe what the poem is about better than that so I can take it or leave it. I’d make a few small changes.

This afternoon I see you

shouting out to me

across the space between us.

Clever as I am,

I keep the space a chasm;

my mind indeed a mumble

of mindless mumbo-jumbo:

such, are media’s mantras.

But, sun behind me,

warm shadows point to you:

your petals splayed and orange,

how spread and full and round:

a yawn-stretch breath of life

bud and burst forth

to an intimacy unexpected.

How come I do not see you?

Joy, the colour orange

that tugs at my soul so numb

which is busy with distraction

that blinds and deafens dumb

a heart and soul asleep

and oh, so superficial.

By any other name

a dahlia is a rose;

like daisies on a lawn of cut grass

caught in sunlight.

They dance the lime-tree rustle

and quiver with delight

to see your splendour

spell the interface of silence.

This afternoon I see you

shouting out to me:

Now close the space between us.

Dumb as I am,

I hear your song of silence—

amidst the pins and needles

the flow of life begins

and is spoken with nothing but

‘Ah!’

Your last words said you wanted a more serious critique. I hope I hit the mark. All in all it was very good and really didn’t need much attention. Obviously these are my opinions as a reader and a writer. Take them as you will.

Welcome again and I hope to read more soon,
Tim

To Neopoet! I agree with Tim's suggestions. I also thought this was beautifully written. Flowers are delicate and so was your use of language and expression, while providing vivid imagery. Well done! I look forward to watching your poetry grow as you blossom on the site!

Hello, Patrick,
Welcome! The mood of this reminded me of "I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud" by William Wordsworth as he dances with the daffodils. Your poem is lovely. I like the form as it brings a lighthearted sense of wonder and delight. The language is so elegant, I believe I would replace "How come I do not see you?" with "How is it I do not see you" or "Why do I not see you?" I think I would also change the last line to read: "And speaks with nothing but 'Ah!' Again, I find this to be so lovely.
Thank you!
Lavender