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Aug 07, 2013
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Laugh Out Loud
Laugh out loud with me
Not just any kind of laugh
Laugh out loud hard, please
The kind of laugh you cry from
Where your face smiles
So very hard you're done
You grab your tummy
Cause it feels so good inside
It's just that funny
Laugh till you can't stand up straight
Until your knees buckle
This is a laughing hard fate
Rolling on the floor
Where this laughter takes you
Laughing from your core
A good old fashion hard laugh
What I am asking
You to give yourself and have
Laugh out loud with me
Not just any kind of laugh
Laugh out loud hard, please
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I was having a really good day and I wanted to share it with the world when I wrote this. I know it is not a strong poem but this was how I was feeling at the moment. I would like to make it better though and am struggling with that. Please help.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
11 years 10 months ago
Who'd resist such an invitation?
A nice invitation and theme bossylady. I like it the way you did it, but as you asked for help, I would suggest some culling here and there if you don't mind
Laugh out loud with me
The kind of laugh you cry from
Where your face smiles,
You grab your tummy,
Cause it feels so good inside
and funny
Laugh till you can't stand up straight
Until your knees buckle
and you roll on the floor
Where this laughter takes you
from your core
A good old fashion hard laugh
What I am asking
You to give yourself and have
just any kind of laugh
Laugh out loud hard.
Hope this helps.
Thanks for sharing.
bossladyone
11 years 10 months ago
Rula
I like your rewrite, but I think part of what makes it fun is the rhyme that I have tried to have in the poem. It makes it almost sound like a song to me. Thank you I will look and see about some of the changes you made though
Ian.T
11 years 10 months ago
Boss
I is, lol, loL, lOL, LOL. ROTFLMAO..
Great idea and write, Yours Ian.T
bossladyone
11 years 10 months ago
Ian T.
Thank you so much for the laughter
mand
11 years 10 months ago
Hi Bosslady One
Oh I so love this poem it brings back memories for me - I had a fantastic relationship with my younger brother ( who is now 55 ). We often laughed till be cried, rolling on the floor clutching our tummies. Sad to say those days have gone and I haven't laughed like that for a long time. I'm happy that you reawoke those memories within me - they are indeed cheerished memories. True proper laughter is an amazing tonic and a gift. I smiled all the way through this delightful poem.
Thanks for sharing
Love Mand xxxxx
bossladyone
11 years 10 months ago
Mand
I am so glad this poem took you to a happy place thank you so much