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Nov 10, 2024
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Lie in Wait
It slowly creeps in the shadows undetected
All the while everything on the surface seems fine
Even as the body fights it becomes subjected
To something sinister that at first seemed so benign
The fatal disease then spreads quickly without control
Destroying and consuming everything in its path
Even though warning signs may whisper it to the soul
The mind doesn’t want to realize it or do the math
The victim becomes brittle at the core, to the bone
Not realizing what it’s done until it’s too late
And all the medicine won’t help because they are prone
To the laws of nature and spirit as they lie in wait
In society the therapy for hate should be love
Compassion and empathy can be infused to endure
For in the final days those who ignored will not get rid of
The pain of wasted time when they could’ve found a cure
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Lie in Wait" effectively uses metaphor to explore the theme of a disease, both in a physical and societal context. However, there are areas where clarity and consistency could be improved.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from more precise language to strengthen the metaphor. For instance, the phrase "something sinister that at first seemed so benign" is vague. If this is a metaphor for a specific societal issue, it would be more impactful to name or describe that issue directly.
Secondly, the poem's rhythm and rhyme scheme fluctuate, which can disrupt the reader's flow. For example, the second stanza has an ABAB rhyme scheme, while the third stanza uses an AABB rhyme scheme. Consistency in the rhyme scheme would enhance the poem's musicality and overall coherence.
Finally, the poem's message could be made more potent by exploring the consequences of the disease in more depth. The final stanza introduces the idea of "wasted time", but this concept isn't fully developed. Expanding on this could add an additional layer of meaning and urgency to the poem.
Overall, the poem has a strong central metaphor and theme, but could be improved with clearer language, a consistent rhyme scheme, and a deeper exploration of its central ideas.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Wallyroo92
7 months 1 week ago
Lie in Wait
Thank you.
I will take the suggestions into consideration.
W
Candlewitch
7 months 2 weeks ago
Hello Wallyroo,
I found this deeply profound:
In society the therapy for hate should be love
Compassion and empathy can be infused to endure
For in the final days those who ignored will not get rid of
The pain of wasted time when they could’ve found a cure
those are my favorite lines of your poem. Please allow me to welcome you to Neopoet! Your poetry makes a nice addition to the site! I shall be watching for more of your poems and hope my poems can interest and entertain you!
welcome, Cat
Wallyroo92
7 months 2 weeks ago
Lie in Wait
Thank you very much Cat, I'm excited to be here. I'm exploring the site, opening doors and going into different rooms and it looks like a lot of fun and interesting folks here.
I'll be catching on some reading and comments as well.
Hope to be reading your work too, very soon.
W
Rula
7 months 1 week ago
Hello
And welcome to Neopoet community.
A well chosen theme.
I like the rhyme and rhythm of the poem.
The title is a bit deceptive (at least for me) as I thought you're using the word "lie" as word play for lying as a disease. But I got it then that "Hate" is what you mean.
Interesting poem as I pointed earlier
Looking forward to reading more of your poetry
Thank you for sharing.
Wallyroo92
7 months 1 week ago
Lie in Wait
Greetings Rula,
Thank you for stopping by to read and comment.
Yes, I'm a big fan of rhyme and wordplay so I knew the title would have a double meaning in a way.
I'm excited to have joined this community and I'm looking forward to reading as much as I can.
W