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This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Weekly 01/12/25 to 01/18/25

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Light in the darkness

While I was consumed by darkness,
And pain that pierced my heart
Like a dagger to the chest,
I let my eyelids fall softly.
A pair of azure pools appear,
Your delicate eyes
Drawing me away
From the torment that consumed me.
We speak, tender rain that is the sound
Of your voice,
Silencing the ache of my afflicted heart.
Your hands, gentle and warm,
Mimicking sunlight through the branches
Of a tranquil forest,
Take my vulnerable ones.
As your divine lips
Whisper words of solace,
Mirroring gentle guitar notes
That soothe my soul.
Then, your arms envelop me,
And suddenly I'm made of sugar,
Delicate and sweet,
Melting into your warmth,
As if the world were crumbling around us.
I let myself fall asleep,
Longing to stay nestled in your arms,
Even in my dreams,
Unwilling to face
The cruelty of morning light.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Serbia, SRB

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

neopoet

5 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem demonstrates a strong grasp of metaphor and simile, effectively using these literary devices to evoke a sense of comfort and solace found in another person amidst personal turmoil. The imagery of "azure pools," "gentle rain," and "sunlight through the branches" effectively conveys a sense of tranquility and warmth.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The phrase "I was consumed by darkness" is somewhat cliche and could be replaced with a more original expression. Similarly, the metaphor of pain as a "dagger to the chest" is also quite common in poetry and could be replaced with a more unique comparison.

The phrase "And suddenly I'm made of sugar" is an interesting metaphor, but it seems slightly out of place in the context of the other imagery in the poem. It might be more effective to choose a metaphor that aligns more closely with the natural imagery that dominates the rest of the poem.

The poem could also benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. While free verse can be very effective, the irregular rhythm in this poem can make it feel somewhat disjointed.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a stronger conclusion. The ending line "The cruelty of morning light" is a powerful image, but it seems to come abruptly after the preceding lines. It might be more effective to build up to this image more gradually, perhaps by introducing the idea of morning or daylight earlier in the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

R

Ray Miller

5 months 1 week ago

Light in the darkness

Enjoyed the read, the hands mimicking sunlight is a nice touch and the sugar passage is odd but sweet. Maybe if you cut the last 2 lines you'd have a stronger ending.

Mini

Mini

5 months 1 week ago

Thank you,but the last to

Thank you,but the last to lines have a strong meaning of not wanting to wake up because the person wants to stay in his arms