tyro

May 09, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Lightness

Why does my head feel such lightness,
so softly my feet tread the ground?
She made no pledge, just a whisper
as her eyes dared to lock on mine.

Long had I yearned for some sign.
to ease my forlorn heart from fear,
of beating pain and aching need
for love I thought was never near.

Now laughter shines my happy eyes;
in freedom's ease I feel so light.
my step is soft; my head is clear,
I feel her essence moving near

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: The Nederlands

Favorite Poets: William Butler Yates, Wallace Stevens, Giuseppe ungaretti, William Blake

Comments

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Hi tyro

This poem has a feel of relief in knowing that all is not lost but there is hope

in line 2 did you mean "tread" instead of "thread"?
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tyro

7 years 2 months ago

HI thanks raj for the catch.

HI thanks raj for the catch. and thanks for your comment

gregwa8

7 years 2 months ago

this poem captures the game

this poem captures the game of desire well. reminds me a bit of John Donne.

tyro

7 years 2 months ago

thank you very much JRS,

thank you very much JRS,
all your suggestions were spot on, and I have edited accordingly.

tyro

7 years 2 months ago

quite a compliment gregwa8

quite a compliment gregwa8
thank you very much.

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

Awesome

as usual dear friend with v.tender voice. However, I would change one of the two 'near' as repeated too close. Just an opinion. I've already enjoyed the read.
Thanks for sharing.

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

So nice

BUT
so softly my feet tread the ground?

WHY THE QS MARK!
I WONDER
maybe silly of me

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

I like the poem.

Your poem reminds Shakespeare's sonet. But I think the old topic asks for a newer form.
It feels like more or less precise meter and I am not sure I like it.
Free form would be my choice.

tyro

7 years 2 months ago

Dear Rula,

You are right about the using near so close together. I think I need to fix that but solutions do not come easily to my head. I will give it some thought.

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Butting in

How about an alternate to "I feel her essence moving near" as "I feel her essence saunter"?
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tyro

7 years 2 months ago

Hello lovely

The first two lines are one sentence, in the question form, starting with why.

Lovely, I like the name(lovely), and the red rose.

tyro

7 years 2 months ago

Hi IRiz

more than 90% of my writes are free verse, but now and than I want to practice with meter. What are you views about the nears?

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

Hi Tyro,
I like poems with a precise rhythmic pattern.
It makes me want to repeat the poem endlessly.
Content and meter are connected.
One helps another. It is a matter of taste how to put them together. My taste is very subjective.
Calm contemplating content and precise repetitive meter are for each other. Passion and strong feelings are better in more complex cadence or in free form.