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May 09, 2018
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A Lightness
Why does my head feel such lightness,
so softly my feet tread the ground?
She made no pledge, just a whisper
as her eyes dared to lock on mine.
Long had I yearned for some sign.
to ease my forlorn heart from fear,
of beating pain and aching need
for love I thought was never near.
Now laughter shines my happy eyes;
in freedom's ease I feel so light.
my step is soft; my head is clear,
I feel her essence moving near
T
— tyro, May 09, 2018
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About This Poem
Editing Stage: Rough draft
Critiques
raj
8 years 1 month ago
Hi tyro
This poem has a feel of relief in knowing that all is not lost but there is hope
in line 2 did you mean "tread" instead of "thread"?
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tyro
8 years 1 month ago
HI thanks raj for the catch.
HI thanks raj for the catch. and thanks for your comment
T
gregwa8
8 years 1 month ago
this poem captures the game
this poem captures the game of desire well. reminds me a bit of John Donne.
tyro
8 years 1 month ago
thank you very much JRS,
thank you very much JRS,
all your suggestions were spot on, and I have edited accordingly.
tyro
8 years 1 month ago
quite a compliment gregwa8
quite a compliment gregwa8
thank you very much.
T
Rula
8 years 1 month ago
Awesome
as usual dear friend with v.tender voice. However, I would change one of the two 'near' as repeated too close. Just an opinion. I've already enjoyed the read.
Thanks for sharing.
lovedly
8 years 1 month ago
So nice
BUT
so softly my feet tread the ground?
WHY THE QS MARK!
I WONDER
maybe silly of me
IRiz
8 years 1 month ago
I like the poem.
Your poem reminds Shakespeare's sonet. But I think the old topic asks for a newer form.
It feels like more or less precise meter and I am not sure I like it.
Free form would be my choice.
tyro
8 years 1 month ago
Dear Rula,
Dear Rula,
You are right about the using near so close together. I think I need to fix that but solutions do not come easily to my head. I will give it some thought.
raj
8 years 1 month ago
Butting in
How about an alternate to "I feel her essence moving near" as "I feel her essence saunter"?
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tyro
8 years 1 month ago
Hello lovely
Hello lovely
The first two lines are one sentence, in the question form, starting with why.
Lovely, I like the name(lovely), and the red rose.
tyro
8 years 1 month ago
Hi IRiz
Hi IRiz
more than 90% of my writes are free verse, but now and than I want to practice with meter. What are you views about the nears?
IRiz
8 years 1 month ago
Hi Tyro,
Hi Tyro,
I like poems with a precise rhythmic pattern.
It makes me want to repeat the poem endlessly.
Content and meter are connected.
One helps another. It is a matter of taste how to put them together. My taste is very subjective.
Calm contemplating content and precise repetitive meter are for each other. Passion and strong feelings are better in more complex cadence or in free form.
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