Candlewitch

Mar 05, 2025 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Lion for Lamb not for contest(rewrite)

He is the Lion who guards you,
a sleepy little lamb
when you are in your persona
of helpless, puts you in a jam.

Predators all the world over
seeking to take a bite,
they see you as a tender meal
to be savored by candlelight.

As your protector He stands point
to see you snug and warm
dreams of greenest grass and clover
may they forever be the norm.

When others falter and fail you
He stands true by your side
Roaring, ready at your defense,
sees your rivals turn tail and hide.

Through the longest trials of day
to facing stealth of night
as still in step they make their bed
arising true in morning's light.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Candlewitch aka:Cat the rhythm is: 8-6-8-8

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

neopoet

4 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem uses a clear metaphorical framework, pairing the lion and lamb imagery to represent protection and vulnerability. Consider refining the consistency of the rhyme scheme, as some rhymes ("persona"/"jam") feel somewhat forced and disrupt the flow. Additionally, the phrase "puts you in a jam" seems colloquial and slightly out of place compared to the more formal tone elsewhere. Clarifying or rephrasing this line could strengthen the overall coherence of the poem. The stanza structure is clear, but the rhythm could benefit from more consistent syllabic patterns to enhance readability and musicality. Finally, the imagery of "dreams of greenest grass and clover" is effective, but consider expanding or varying the imagery slightly to avoid overly familiar pastoral clichés.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

4 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Cat, this is a lovely

Hi Cat, this is a lovely piece, gentle yet strong, protective without being overbearing. The only thing I picked up on was this;
when you are in your persona
of sweetness, puts you in a jam.
I'm unclear as to the message behind this but that could be just me?

Other than that, the tone feels almost like a lullaby, making it a soft and gentle read. Ruby xx

Candlewitch

4 months 2 weeks ago

Dearest Ruby,

I hope my rewrite helps in your understanding. Please let me know if there is anything more I can do?

fondly, Cat

Ruby Lord

4 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Cat, thank you for

Hi Cat, thank you for replying. Yes it is clearer now, thank you but perhaps the issue could be trying to find a rhyme for lamb? I know that's hard I've looked ha ha.
https://www.rhymezone.com/

This alternative is only my suggestion and I could be far off the mark. Ruby xx

He is the Lion who guards you
a lamb beneath the fleece
when you have found your shepherd
you’ll live a life of peace

Candlewitch

4 months 2 weeks ago

Dear Ruby,

what you have suggested is very soothing and lovely. But it changes the meter and I used an:

8
6
8
8
throughout. thank you for your thoughts and I want you to know that I appreciate them!

Ruby Lord

4 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Cat, not a problem, and

Hi Cat, not a problem, and thank you for letting me know. Ruby xxx :) xx

Geezer

4 months 2 weeks ago

Two things...

one, is that you never give us a clue as to what all the metaphor is about. We don't have a clear view of [who]. The second is that I do agree with the AI about the rhythm; other than that, I too, like the easy pace that makes it like a lullaby. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

4 months 2 weeks ago

Dear Geezer,

I hope my rewrite helps to make it more clear. Thanks for reading and your input!

fondly, Cat

tyro

4 months 2 weeks ago

Hi candlewitch

Hi candlewitch
I like the idea and the out working very much. Ane the metaphoric dichotomy of the lion as protector of the lamb is a very nice touch.
but the phrase 'puts you in a jam' is not very clear to me. I did come to an answwer by placing it within the context of the poem, but that is just my definition.

Tyro

Candlewitch

4 months 2 weeks ago

Hello Tyro,

In "a jam" is another way of saying (in a troubled situation) thank you so much for reading my entry and commenting on it!

always, Cat

Geezer

4 months 2 weeks ago

I am...

going to assume, [I know, I know] that the "He" is God. In this case, it makes sense. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

4 months 1 week ago

Yep!

He is the christian god with the poor screwed over mortal. I had a tough time getting my head around that ;)

fondly, Cat

Lavender

4 months 1 week ago

Lion For Lamb

Hello, Cat,
While looking at the image in the contest, I get a feeling of the two possibly standing together, unified, as one. Your poem gives me the sense of a Higher Power watching over all, safe and strong.
Thank you!
L
Final stanza, L2; faceing / facing

Candlewitch

4 months 1 week ago

Thank you Lavender,

for the catch and the good thoughts as they are right on!

fondly, Cat