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Aug 19, 2019
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Look Into My Eyes
dissolute neo transgressive
a fantasy lauded libertine
self mythologizer
writing ugly comments
on corrosive voids like black outs
broken verses sounded out
in mangled staccato
needing rearranged horizons
like olives without pimentos
and skies cobbled from
thatched metal bones
moonless poems with no dream life
words repeated
I
The
A
Dah
no naked glimpses
no clawing
not even a drop of blood to whiff
and already cauterized
lust-less
anemic-scapes of thorn-less rosettes
emptied of black tongued gimps
and tattooed whores
no Lilliputians
swimming in marsh swamps
and no snarling brays
remember
there are mouths to fill
with pounding gristle
and ears to bleed
like pull apart flake strudel
that squeals rapturously
shedding seas
of gagging exorcisms
so
widen your thighs
look into my eyes
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
zebra
5 years 10 months ago
haahaahaa
haahaahaa….. Im not much into manginas LOL
zebra
5 years 10 months ago
haahaahaa perhaps shes Latina
haahaahaa perhaps shes Latina in the mood for a manchalada
tyro
5 years 10 months ago
a couple of your similes
a couple of your similes intrigued me
like olives without pimentos
and skies cobbled from
thatched metal bones
and
/like pull apart flake strudel/
that squeals rapturously
shedding seas
of gagging exorcisms
I cannot easily get my mind around them, but they do cause me to stop and think. Your word use has musical quality that is pleasing. I could not paraphrase the poem but believe I feel its direction at a non-conscious level.
zebra
5 years 10 months ago
Thank you.... Part of it is
Thank you.... Part of it is exactly like you describe ...A poem can suggest; it can be a bit ambiguous and yeah language through metaphor and inference can entrance
I'm delighted that you experienced that...Very appreciated!
Eumolpus
5 years 10 months ago
nice poem Z
I would drop the first stanza. The second is such a better, inviting stance.
try it. wdyt?