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Mar 15, 2025
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THE LOSS OF MY CHILDREN
This day did come that I couldn't handle.
The Loss of my darling daughter, Robin.
Friendly smile ,kind and happy was She
Who always was there for me.
My heart cried and I was there ready to go with her.
Why did this happen to such a lovely girl.
Drugs took her with fentanyl.
Overnight she left us.
Three months passed and to my wildest dreams.
I lost my oldest daughter,Cathy
I felt my heart freeze with grief.
For my oldest child has left this world in sleep.
Robin and Cathy my lovely sweet daughters
Have gone to Heaven with sweet Jesus.
One daughter left, Heather lives far away.
I miss her so much, Good Lord I pray.
Now by the way, I have two sons.
I have a son, name is Chris.
Was taken from me to the Penetentary.
One son Joseph became an E7 in the Navy.
He has a family and I have four great grandchildren.
I feel so sad for my son, Chris
Who was taken what a terrible site to see.
I have cried hours on end.
for my loving children.
Who was a gift from God
My gift within.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This happened to my daughters three months apart. My son was taken the day before I came to the Nursing Home. My friends Cat and lavender have been a help. Thank you.
Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem addresses deeply emotional and personal experiences, which provides a strong foundation for powerful expression. To enhance the poem's effectiveness, consider the following points:
1. **Consistency in Tone and Imagery:**
The poem moves between personal grief and factual recounting of events. Clarifying the emotional tone throughout would help unify the poem. For example, the shift from the loss of daughters to the sons' situations could be made smoother through transitional language or imagery.
2. **Structure and Rhythm:**
Currently, the poem lacks a consistent rhythm or meter. Introducing a clearer stanza structure or more deliberate line breaks could help emphasize emotional intensity and guide the reader through the narrative more effectively.
3. **Language and Word Choice:**
Some lines could benefit from more precise or evocative language. For instance, phrases like "friendly smile, kind and happy was she" and "sweet Jesus" are familiar and somewhat predictable. Consider unique imagery or metaphors to deepen emotional resonance and originality.
4. **Clarity and Focus:**
The poem introduces multiple family members and their situations quickly, which can dilute the emotional impact. Narrowing the poem's focus or providing more depth to fewer events or individuals might strengthen emotional clarity and reader engagement.
5. **Grammar and Syntax:**
Attention to grammar and punctuation would enhance readability. For example, the line "Who was taken what a terrible site to see" could be clarified grammatically and spelled correctly ("site" should likely be "sight").
By addressing these areas, the poem can more effectively communicate the depth of loss and emotional complexity intended.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
3 months 3 weeks ago
The Loss of My Children
Hello, Mary,
Bless your heart. You have seen and experienced more sorrow than most of us can imagine. Our children are so precious, and your loss is great. My condolences to you, and please know how deeply your words have been felt.
My warmest regards to you, Dear Mary,
Lavender xx
Candlewitch
3 months 3 weeks ago
Dearest Mary,
I feel the pain of your losses, palpable and raw... I hope that you have better days for your loving heart in the near future. keep on writing, for through writing there is healing and release.
and you are very welcome, much love, Cat
Mary Derringer
3 months 3 weeks ago
Thank you