Love and Grief

The tears stream down his face
Puddles form.
His eyes are red and swollen
from yet another sleepless night.
He is overwhelmed,
Grief struck…
Desperate to turn back the clocks.
One more day,
One more conversation,
One more touch,
One more anything.

Quiet sobs,
Shaky breaths.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I'm going to add more to this later, probably. Rough draft. Constructive criticism is appreciated for the beginning stages of this one.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: USA - Georgia, USA

Favorite Poets: Lord Alfred Tennyson, Robert Frost, Allen Ginsberg, Walt Whitman , Misha Collins, John Donne

Comments

Geezer

2 years 7 months ago

Not that...

I am a morbid, evil person, but I like your set up for more.
If in fact, you do add to it,
you might make it a two or three part piece.
You could start from the day before,
or weeks before, leading up to his/her death.
This style lends itself well to storytelling.

You might have a soliloquy from both Death and Grief!

~ Geezer.
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Kristen H.

2 years 7 months ago

Thanks!

That's a great idea. I had written this a couple weeks ago but I was unsure about where to go with it and I knew it wasn't enough to post on it's own. Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction. Thanks for the feedback, Geezer!!

Geezer

2 years 7 months ago

My pleasure...

I enjoy a good story! Some people do very well in telling long, drawn out stories, some don't. I try to keep mine a medium
length, so that people don't get bored. [I get bored, and it shows], consequently the story suffers. I do write rather long single session poems sometimes, and I am never sure if the audience gets bored until I see the results. Fortunately, most of them go over well. Try writing a two-part poem and see how it goes. It may be that you have the knack to do more than two but try two parts at first. ~ Geezer.
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Kristen H.

2 years 7 months ago

Same here!

I often write short stories and I am even starting to write a book. Writing about things in length are not a struggle for me but somehow my poetry suffers when it comes to both story telling and length. I've written two part poems before but they are in draft right now as well. I'll try my hand at finishing this one in more than one part and then pull the other ones out of draft. Maybe you're right, I might have a knack for it.

Geezer

2 years 7 months ago

Yes...

Two thumbs up! ~ Geezer.
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Lavender

2 years 7 months ago

Love and Grief

Hello, Kristen,
I definitely feel the grief forming here. If this is still in the blossoming phase, I'd like to read more about the "Love" portion of the title, the appreciation for love.
Thank you!
L

Kristen H.

2 years 7 months ago

Thank you

I can definitely add more love! This was something I wrote a couple weeks ago and I just needed some direction. You and Geezer have definitely helped with that! Thanks for the feedback!