Love Letters in the Sand.

I'll tell it rather simple.
I'll say it plain and true.
A simple thing is all I want.
And all I want is you

There are no other riches
No treasures or possessions.
That ever could compare to you
My fondest of obsessions

You are the very air I breathe.
The ration that sustains me
Your all my thoughts tied up as one.
The laugh that entertains me.

Your all that life need ever give.
The maximum that's due.
If I could ask for anything.
I'd only ask for you.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Comments

neopoet

4 months ago

Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem employs a straightforward rhyme scheme and clear, accessible language, which helps convey sincerity and earnestness. However, there are several areas where the poem could be strengthened.

First, the poem relies heavily on familiar expressions and clichés—for example, "You are the very air I breathe," or "No treasures or possessions / That ever could compare to you." Consider finding fresher, more original imagery or metaphors to express these sentiments. Unique imagery would help the reader experience the speaker's emotions more vividly and memorably.

Second, there are grammatical errors that detract from the poem's effectiveness. For instance, "Your all my thoughts tied up as one" and "Your all that life need ever give" should correctly use "You're" instead of "Your." Attention to grammatical accuracy is important, as errors can distract readers from the poem's intended emotional impact.

Finally, while simplicity can be effective, the poem's current form and language choices lack complexity or depth. Consider adding more specific details or personal touches that would give readers a clearer sense of the relationship or individual being described. This specificity would help the poem resonate more deeply and authentically with readers.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

4 months ago

Hello Mary,

I much enjoyed this poem, smooth and the read easy from start to finish! Welcome to Neopoet. I shall be looking for more of your postings!

always, Cat

Mary Derringer

4 months ago

Thank you Candlewitch

Thank you so much Cat! I was so excited to receive your comcment. This was my third poem I posted. Means alot to me just starting out.m

Geezer

4 months ago

As a rhymer...

I am always excited to see another one join the site. Welcome to Neo. I was impressed by your sincere poem of a love that many people do not ever give or receive. I also look forward to your posts. ~ Geezer.
.

Ruby Lord

3 months 4 weeks ago

Hi Mary, I can see you've

Hi Mary, I can see you've gone for a classic rhyming style here, which gives the poem a nice rhythm and flow. Your background in children's literature must have given you a strong sense of storytelling. Have you thought about bringing some of that into your poetry? I'd love to see you play with imagery or add a bit more of your unique voice into your work. Ruby xx