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Jan 04, 2024
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LUNAR KEYS
The moonbeams of my whispered dreams,
deliver beautiful melodies.
Pursuing perfection, I hear Clair de Lune.
Debussy, I submit to your divine tranquillity,
A murmur of beauty carried on my final tide.
Above ink black seas, she shimmers over sails in wind,
as her light kisses piano boats in a bay.
They dip and bob gently, water rolls under their keels,
stroking their moonlit hulls.
I spy one, brushed with imperfection.
I’m falling into this world, to be rocked to sleep.
Will the moon recall my sighs, in and out?
Do my lungs mimic her pull and push on this earth,
in depths of her liquid turmoil?
As a seed carried by the wind; I move towards the shore.
My waning body unable to cling to life,
the grooves in my fingers never finding hold,
still, I dip and bob, playing piano boat keys.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I've worked on this for a while. I'm trying to write in a less prescriptive way and I have enjoyed learning this format. Tell me what you think about my poem? Do you think the music I mentioned is beautiful and enchating and what music would spur you into writing a poem? I often listen to music playing in the backgtound when I'm writing. Here's a link to the music I chose for this one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvFH_6DNRCY Ruby :) xx
Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
1 year 6 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Lunar Keys" demonstrates a strong command of imagery and metaphor. The moon, the sea, and the piano boats all work together to create a vivid, dream-like atmosphere. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of these metaphors.
In the first stanza, the speaker's dreams are likened to moonbeams, and the moonbeams are associated with music. This is a compelling metaphor, but it is not carried through the rest of the poem. Instead, the poem shifts to a different metaphor, the piano boats, in the second stanza. While this is also a strong image, the sudden shift can be disorienting for the reader.
To improve the poem, consider weaving these metaphors together more seamlessly. For example, the speaker's dreams could be likened to a song played on the piano boats, connecting the moonbeams and the boats.
The poem also introduces several ideas that are not fully explored, such as the speaker's waning body and the grooves in their fingers. These could be developed further to add depth to the poem.
The poem's rhythm and rhyme scheme are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising the poem to establish a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme.
Finally, the poem's use of language is generally effective, but there are a few instances where the wording is awkward or unclear. For example, the phrase "in depths of her liquid turmoil" is somewhat confusing. Consider revising these parts of the poem for clarity.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
RoseBlack
1 year 6 months ago
This is beautiful
Absolutely beautiful! The tranquility in this poem along with the imagery makes you feel like your floating. The phases of the moon, along with the waxing and waning of the tide and the moods that change along with it. Great job
Ruby Lord
1 year 6 months ago
Thank you Rose Black, I'm
Thank you Rose Black, I'm glad you found tranquility in my poem. I've been driving my husband nuts talking about the Sea of Tranquility on the moon and playing Clair de Lune on repeat. He has a lot to put up with ha ha. Ruby :) xxx
RoseBlack
1 year 6 months ago
The people
In my house are forever listening to whatever song I keep in the loop at any given time. The price they pay for living with a writer.
kowque
1 year 6 months ago
That Last line
Is hauntingly beautiful
Ruby Lord
1 year 6 months ago
Thank you for your comment
Thank you for your comment and read. I love that you got the word haunting from my poem. I've spent a lot of time working on this, I think it's done. Ruby :) xx
Lavender
1 year 6 months ago
Lunar Keys
Hello, Ruby,
After reading several times, this reminded me of a lullaby - the final moments of consciousness, and then gracefully falling into the rhythm of sleep. The reference to Clair de Lune (both the song and in further thought, the poem) is beautiful. Very poetic and serene.
Thank you!
L
Ruby Lord
1 year 6 months ago
Thank you Lavender, it's
Thank you Lavender, it's always great to read your comments.
I haven't listened to Claire de Lune today but hey, the night is young, it could be my next track?
This is another one of the free verse poems I've rwritten recently. It's quite a distance from where I normally write but I've enjoyed the experience and taking the time to learn a little of the craft.
Take care, Ruby :) xx
Leslie
1 year 4 months ago
Ruby Lord
A beautful poem and I too love "claire de lune" hauntingly it has gifted you with a beautiful poem. I liked the idea to listen to music as you write!