AnnaNJ

Mar 27, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Magic Trick

You are dissolving

Before my eyes

Like a magic trick

that has gone horribly wrong

Soon you will have disappeared

Into the open atmosphere

And I’ll be left standing alone

In front of the empty space

Where you used to be

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Indiana, USA

Favorite Poets: Gabriel Gadfly, Tyler Knott Gregson, Warson Shire

Comments

Kailashana2

13 years 3 months ago

Bravo!

A very very insightful and wonderful poem. Forgive me for saying this, but you're so young, you must be a rainbow child. I'll be reading your poetry as this one as made me a fan of yours.

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

Thank you so much. Your

Thank you so much. Your comment means a lot to me. I'm new to poetry and I didn't have a lot of confidence coming into it, but your encouragement has given me the boost I need.

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 3 months ago

AnnaNJ,

I like the progression of life to death here, like a magic trick were the magician forgot the escape hatch.
the rymthm of it is almost musical. thanks for sharing your pain of loss.
Welcome to Neopoet!
I can't wait to read more of your heart felt poetry.
Very nicely done, Bravisima!

Eddie
...

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

Thank you. These positive

Thank you. These positive comments have made me feel so much more secure in my writing.

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 3 months ago

AnnaNJ,

Eddie
...
sorry double post, it happens sometimes.

China Blue

13 years 3 months ago

Anna NJ

I see it as a relationship dissolving before your eyes. Now that is a good piece of writing when the reader is able to see different scenarios and interpretations

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

You're very right. That's

You're very right. That's exactly how I was feeling when I wrote this piece.

weirdelf

13 years 3 months ago

Must disagree with the previous comments

the simile
"Like a magic trick
that has gone horribly wrong"
is a very good one. The rest is ordinary language of the old old tale of love lost.

There is honesty and clarity, but that does not make good poetry make.

Read more poetry, your profile says nothing but I bet you don't read poetry. Read some really good stuff and see what can be achieved.

I am sure you can do better.

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

Thank you. And you're right,

Thank you. And you're right, this isn't a romantic poem. It was actually about my older brother and our once-close relationship deteriorating. I'm glad that someone understands that it is not a poem about romantic love lost. None of the poems that I have written so far are about that because I haven't experienced it. Thank you for the words of encouragement!

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

Thanks for the constructive

Thanks for the constructive criticism. You're right. I don't read a lot of poetry because I have no idea where to start. I want to find some that is simple and clear but that I can relate to. If you have any suggestions please let me know!

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

The one about constructive

The one about constructive criticism is meant for @weirdelf. I'm still new to the website so I don't know how to delete comments. Oops.

weirdelf

13 years 3 months ago

Fuck, you're good Beau!

I'm so glad you are here to perceive beyond my clumsy ineptitude. (I'm not being sarcastic, I mean it)

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 3 months ago

I think this is about death,

I think this is about death, someone who ill and head in the direction that we all which not to go or even for our loved ones. Unfortunatly it happens.

these two lines are what make me believe it is death.

"Soon you will have disappeared
Into the open atmosphere"

They seem to refer to the sky or heaven.

Eddie
...

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

I could see where you would

I could see where you would get that impression. Even though that's not what I intended when writing, I like my poetry to have different interpretations for different people.

Kailashana2

13 years 3 months ago

"I'm sure you can do better."

"I'm sure you can do better." Jess, I'll hand the talking stick back to you. After you've written better poetry.

weirdelf

13 years 3 months ago

.

Nordic cloud

13 years 3 months ago

This was so exciting, the

This was so exciting, the concept of the empty space
where someone used to be
being so strong an image of that space.
The whole poem is visually exciting,
we can see it so well.
Well done.

Nordic cloud.