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Aug 13, 2022
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This Man
Who is this man that owns my heartbeat?
Who is this man, my hearts desire?
Who is this man that I need
to set my soul on fire?
Whose soft voice makes me tremble?
Whose sweet touch can make me cry?
Who makes me feel so humble?
Whose tenderness makes me sigh?
What kind of man man is this?
How did he steal my heart?
Please take my hand and show me,
Love that is off the chart
This man that owns my heart and soul.
Who is he that he could break me?
Is my love alone all by it's self?
Please don't ever set me free.
Karen Keys
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
Geezer
3 years 2 months ago
I like your title...
your language use is good, I was intrigued by your rhythm and meter, as you descended from nine to six beats in the first
stanza, then seven beats for all the lines in the second. The third started breaking the pattern and I was surprised that you didn't keep the pattern in the third, when you could have by eliminating the word [Please] and still made sense of the line.
The last stanza could be put right by saying:
"Is my love alone, by [itself]"
"So, please don't ever set me free"
All in all, a really good poem that was just a little bit out of hand. ~ Geezer.
.
Karen Keys
3 years 2 months ago
This Man
Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it very much.
Rosewood Apothecary
3 years 2 months ago
Welcome
That’s is pretty darn good. It is a nice flowing series thoughts that are a lot like an internal conversation. It is very easy to read and it’s very organized. Nice job
“This man that owns my heart and soul.
Who is he that he could break me?”
This is a question that I ask about myself. Who am I that I’m held in such high esteem by my wife? Then I try to be that person. It’s not always easy but it’s an empathetic way of approaching our marriage: “who are we, that could break each other?”
That is a very deeply resounding philosophical question.
Tim