Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

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Mapwork

Mapwork by RW
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Mapwork
inside my eyelids
pressed
white flash
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traces of magnesium stars flutter
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fireflies in May between retina and lens
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is this the stroke, where it begins
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extremities are feeling numb
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pay to live now pay to crumble
-
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Striking laughter winds in rage
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ripping ground does it assauge?
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or is it just another reminder
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of the ants under the spyglass
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our human race
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God is just a master chemist
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experimenting on the small ones
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ants to traitors
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simple raiders
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we are the victims of

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Columbus, Ohio, USA

Favorite Poets: Rimbaud, Coleridge, Sylvia Plath, Robert Lowell, Allen Ginsberg, Ai, Langston Hughes, Maxine Kumin, Anne Sexton, Kerouac, Burroughs, Amiri Baraka, Wallace Stevens.

Comments

BlueDemon77

13 years ago

Thanks Beau!

I appreciate your kind words. The sentiment is vaguely Sumerian as they had the Tigris and Euphrates to contend with. I have to admit, I like this one too.

Ron

judyanne

13 years ago

hi ron

hi ron
i really find the dashes distracting - sorry

i like the write, but for me it's not that memorable though - really it says nothing new, or anything old in a particularly new way

and the last line, with the use of the preposition at the end, makes the write seem unfinished ...

i do like the analogy of god as a master chemist
love judy
xxx

BlueDemon77

13 years ago

Thanks Judy!

Thanks for the comments and criticisms. I agree, the thought that the gods are against us is ancient. The dashes aren't there for any aesthetic reason. They were added for use with a poetry streaming software, where the dashes add time before the next line is printed. I appreciate your input.

Ron