MEMORABLE AUTUMN...( OCTOBER CONTEST

Autumn plans reversed out of reach
away from the heat of sandy beach
My desire travels to a cold and hard city
Snow in great Canada, oh what a pity!

Imagine cuddling is fun so cozy
blushing beneath covers feeling rosy
wishing a third would pop up soon
with a face like a silvery blue moon

perhaps we could park in Banana city
we'd be alone mindless of nitty gritty
recalling kids desired another sibling
a lovely one ,wow you are now dribbling

a girl should by next October be due
how memorable it will be, there's no clue
we once enjoyed such a one can't forget
our first Sunny, we were happy to beget

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: UNIVERSE...ETERNITY C/O ME, ROU

Favorite Poets: All across the Internet whom I read , and they inspire..

Comments

Eumolpus

5 years 8 months ago

is try not to force the rhyme. the syntax of the speech needs to flow, and flowing from low to high language make it feel forced. too obvious with rhyme, try to hide them with enjambment- continuing the line in to the next without a pause... so you don't end the line with a completed phase, but a phrase that leads you on to the next line without a pause so the rhyme gets blended in the reading.
Most rap in forced. But it works because rhymes repeated within the lines and all over the place to create a kind of music. The lines here are a bit sing-songy, you can make the lines more interesting.