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Dec 09, 2014
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Memories Of A Runaway Child
Sick of the cycle of loneliness,
forgotten birthdays, broken promises
and empty moments stretched by boredom,
my heart longed for its freedom!
To my parents, I was invisible,
a voice to be ignored, dead to their world.
Their endless search for fortune left me,
playing with ghosts of my fantasy.
Their house was not my home,
its a prison made of stone
where dreams were forsaken
and hope stumbled and crumbled!
A childhood painted in sadness,
filled my soul with such bitterness.
I never needed lifeless toys
I needed love, denied to me.
After years of drowning
in a river of tears,
formed by their betrayal.
I found the courage to leave.
I walked out the door,
tired of sulking on the floor,
feeling unappreciated
and unwanted.
I refused to remain unhappy
so I set myself free
and I never looked back
anymore.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
brittle light
10 years 7 months ago
Hi
an important theme...but
you have written this in first person singular...the "I" voice, and in the present tense. nothing wrong with that, of course, except you spoke with a mature adult voice...not the voice of the child, even if adolescent in age.
either change the tense, as if recollecting, or change the pronoun to "he, or she"
just my humble observation...
alidzain
10 years 7 months ago
Hi Al
Thanks for the feedback. Did some tweaking. Hope this is better. What do you think?
Alid
brittle light
10 years 7 months ago
hi, Alid
very much better... It was a little "creepy" before the changes; that voice coming out a mere child I mean.
still some more tweaking to do...Past participles etc. You will see (hear) them upon further review, I'm sure.
But, even now, it is a very strong piece. I like it
alidzain
10 years 7 months ago
Hi Al
Feel free to check on my works. I'm still learning to write good English poetry, so I will welcome any suggestions that could help me improve. Still having trouble with the vocab. In truth, most of the time I write my poetry in Malay but now I'm trying to form a balance between the 2 languages.
Alid