scribbler

Mar 24, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

METRO DUSK

Sitting in a pizza restaurant
a favorite one we often haunt
looking through the window pane
watching an orange sunset again

near buildings' shadows creep along
as we listen to a jukebox song
when the sun blinks out suddenly
unfiltered by any distant tree

All the cars on the highway
turn on their lights at end of day
becoming a rushing stream of light
disappearing out of sight

In near distance a tall high rise
tall finger pointed toward dim skies
lights itself in an uneven blaze
as its peak saffron clouds graze

A silver speck so far and high
revealed by last light in the sky
chased by a tattered white contrail
a race in which it's sure to fail

All the neon lights along the street
blur the edge where day and night meet
they hide the sky and all the stars
lighting the way for myriad cars

Bright full moon rises in the east
so we can still see it at least
now shadows are cast in all directions
'neath streetlights at the intersections

Here in the city night comes fast
dusk almost relegated the past
it flits like a bat in a flood light
as it quickly yields to night

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

magics02

14 years 4 months ago

Need to come back

Stan to read this and give it my eagle eye here. Just trying not to sit here too long at the computer as my back is messed up

See you soon
Mona
xoxo

scribbler

14 years 4 months ago

hi

computer chairs are rough on backs and knees. Come back when able.................stan

mand

14 years 4 months ago

Hi Stan

Sorry I haven't got long to comment! love the imagery, the feel of the city. Excellent rhyming.

Love Mand xxxxxx

scribbler

14 years 4 months ago

mand

thank you ...............stan

Barbara Writes

14 years 4 months ago

HI Stan

with tired hurting eyes I read this and like it alot
glaucoma acting up,

scribbler

14 years 4 months ago

hello

first time I've been told my writing actually hurts the eyes lol. Hope the glaucoma eases up............stan

weirdelf

14 years 4 months ago

were those three comments a comment?

The poem paints a good picture, in watercolours, not oils.

I can't help thinking about your forum on free verse and how much better this could be if you weren't constraining yourself to form and, well not mangling, but stretching the language for rhyme and meter.

The first verses are actually quite relaxed in structure and work well but see how your search for rhyme places un-natural stresses on words? Especially
chased by a tattered white contrail
from which far land might it hail

the line
we can still see it at least
feels a bit awkward to me, in itself

I enjoyed reading this, which is high praise for any poem, but I like my socks rocked off.

scribbler

14 years 4 months ago

damn!

already wrote a reply,where did it go? This is just a rough draft and I mean rough lol.Hope to improve it upon editing.( I hardly ever truly finish a poem).I have written in both free verse and rhyme of dawn in both the city and woods. I have written of dusk in both woods and city in rhyme. I will tackle dusk in the city in free verse in the future. When site technology allows I plan to write a parallel poem from the viewpoint of a tired commuter returning from a day's work to the suburbs and the viewpoint of a hunter returning from the woods to his home in the suburbs. One viewpoint will be in free verse, the other in rhyme. I like using form punctuation a lot when I write free verse and await the day when site goes back to allowing this also. Now that your eyes are worn out from this lengthy response, I'll thank you for dropping by lol..............scribbler

scribbler

14 years 4 months ago

Shirl the pearl

Thanks for dropping by and commenting on this work in progress................stan

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

hello

"All" good suggestions and did not even realize I'd repeated tall so closely. I'll be back later to edit AGAIN lol............stan

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 3 months ago

Stan

The scene is so tranquill, yet it feels like the big city, Ilike that about the write.
Here it goes, Jess is right only because i read his comment and could see what he pointed out. I have to say that he is one of the most honest people I know when it comes to poetry. I always feel he gives sound advice, even though it times it sounds harsh. It's just I think he has little patience sometimes.
follow his advice the man knows what he is talking about. My poetry changed because of him, even though I fought it for a while.
Eddie C.

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

hi Eddie

I always listen to all advice and sometimes even take it as I did some of his in this edit. Thank you for your advice and for coming by...........stan