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This poem is part of the challenge:

02/25 It's a Headache 🏆 Winner

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In the midst of Evil

When in the midst of evil,
Immorality knows no bounds.
And kindness sadly suffers,
When fed to hungry hounds.

I see those vile blood suckers,
With teeth, gleaming and white.
They're racing ever nearer,
No matter how hard I fight.

My skin feels like it's bristling,
And hot pokers pierce my throat.
The sweat is pouring from me,
Like an iridescent coat.

And as I catch my breath,
Wished that time would still.
I heard a sound so curdling,
It filled me with a chill.

Its pitch was most deafening,
Many windows it could break.
Although I knew I'd made it,
It sounded really fake.

And then a rhythmic thumping,
Came creeping to my room.
As the pressure of a headache,
Left my mind consumed.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Coventry, England, GBR

Favorite Poets: Michael Rosen , Rudyard Kipling , Pam Ayres , Benjamin Zephaniah

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

4 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "In the midst of Evil" effectively uses vivid imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of fear and impending doom. The language is rich and descriptive, creating a strong emotional response in the reader.

However, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or thematic progression. While the individual stanzas are evocative, the overall direction of the poem is somewhat unclear. It might be beneficial to consider how each stanza builds on the previous one and contributes to the overall message or story of the poem.

The rhythm and rhyme scheme are generally consistent, which lends a sense of cohesion to the poem. However, there are a few lines that disrupt this pattern, such as "And as I catch my breath, / Wished that time would still." This disruption could be intentional, but if not, it might be worth revising these lines for consistency.

The use of clichés, such as "hot pokers pierce my throat" and "tear soaked premonitions," could be replaced with more original metaphors to keep the reader engaged and surprised.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of its central theme of evil. As it stands, the depiction of evil is somewhat one-dimensional and could be deepened through more complex imagery or a more detailed exploration of the speaker's emotional response to it.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Geezer

4 months 1 week ago

Headaches...

Just a couple of bumps, is what I see. I followed the rhythm really well most of the time,
but I would think about using [It sounded really fake], verse 5, line 4. Go back and read it out loud, and you will see that you follow a certain pattern, and when you do, that's when you make your line break. Your last verse is good, but sounds kind of flat. I think you can do better with a little line trimming.

The title is good, because headaches can certainly feel evil.
Language good, not boring.
This flowed well theme wise, from beginning to end.
Yep, consistent.

I like it well enough to want to see what you do with the last lines. I do have suggestions...
~ Geez.
.

Lavender

Lavender

4 months ago

In the Midst of Evil

Hello, Tigger,
Not certain of your full intention with this, but you've accurately described how it felt when I would get migraine headaches. I could sense when one was coming on, and it truly felt evil. This brings back memories of those awful moments, and I hope you aren't experiencing them.
I wonder if there is some way to avoid using the word "felt" so often in the final stanza.
Great imagery.
Thank you!
L