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Jul 13, 2025
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THE MIDTOWN SLASHER
The Morose - black crows
perched on the soulless
dry branches a breath away
from the Midtown Slasher
He would stand upright
whenever a light hearted
school girl sprightly
skipped by his mournful
barren garden and
broken, chipped gnomes
and dug out holes where
more bones would find
their new homes.
His cold barracuda like eyes
would study the innocents vibrant
faces, pigtails and ponytails
and high springing spirits. He
would rehearse a smile whenever
this particular one had stood
out from the rest of them.
While she smacked that pink
gum of hers oblivious of the
danger and the emotionless
psychopathic figure. He
would run a comb threw
his receding greasy hair
and make his way to his
front garden waiting,
stalking like the predator
he is.
Her mother had warned her
about the blood chilling killer.
Which
caused her to become more
cautious and guarded and
more educated about the
strangers masterful
maneuvers.
Just a battered, bladder brown fence
between them which sent her shivers
and throat constricting nightmares
whenever she reflected on the
importance, from almost getting
clobbered and murdered, snatched
like the rest of them.
Ever Since the old man had settled
in to the quiet neighbourhood there
have been more missing children. More
shop windows slapped with posters
and lampposts, bus shelters.
The law enforcements phone rang
day and night swelling the office with
missing leads and false descriptions.
Dead ends and nothing much to go on.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
2 weeks 1 day ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem creates a dark, foreboding atmosphere centered around the figure of the "Midtown Slasher," using vivid imagery and a narrative that hints at danger lurking in an urban setting. The use of black crows and "soulless branches" effectively sets a morose tone, while the contrast between the innocent schoolgirl and the ominous figure adds tension.
Strengths: - The imagery is evocative, particularly the "cold cod like eyes" and "mournful garden and broken gnomes," which contribute to a chilling mood. - The poem’s narrative arc, focusing on the girl’s cautiousness and narrow escape, provides a clear storyline that engages the reader. - The repetition of cautionary elements, such as the mother’s warning and the girl’s guarded behavior, reinforces the theme of danger and survival.
Areas for improvement: 1. **Line Breaks and Punctuation:** The poem’s flow could benefit from more consistent punctuation and line breaks. For example, some lines run on without clear pauses, which can disrupt the rhythm and make it harder to follow. Introducing commas or periods where natural pauses occur would enhance readability.
2. **Word Choice and Clarity:** There are a few moments where word choice or phrasing could be refined for clarity and impact: - "cold cod like eyes" is a striking metaphor but might confuse some readers; considering "cold, cod-like eyes" with a comma could clarify the comparison. - "Rehearsing a smile wenever" likely contains a typo ("wenever" should be "whenever"). This correction would improve professionalism and clarity. - The phrase "innocents vibrant bones and spirit" could be more vivid if rephrased to emphasize the contrast between innocence and menace, perhaps by adding possessive punctuation ("innocent’s vibrant bones").
3. **Consistency in Tone and Detail:** The poem sometimes shifts between abstract and concrete imagery. For instance, "mournful garden and broken gnomes" is concrete and visual, while "innocents vibrant bones and spirit" is more abstract. Balancing these elements more evenly throughout would strengthen the overall cohesion.
4. **Narrative Clarity:** The final stanza is somewhat ambiguous. The phrase "Helen ran through how lucky she was from freezing between his battered, shattered fence" is difficult to parse. It might help to clarify whether Helen is physically trapped or metaphorically caught, and to tighten the sentence structure for smoother comprehension.
5. **Title and Thematic Connection:** The title "THE MIDTOWN SLASHER" is bold and direct, setting expectations for a thriller or horror theme. Ensuring that the poem’s tone and imagery consistently support this theme will enhance its impact. For example, incorporating more sensory details related to the urban setting could deepen the sense of place and menace.
Overall, the poem has a strong foundation with compelling imagery and narrative potential. Refining its technical aspects and clarifying certain passages will help the mood and story resonate more powerfully with readers.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Jokerface82
2 weeks 1 day ago
Rough
Rough