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Sep 23, 2024
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Mind Books
Were her thoughts like fairy tale books….
With truths naked and flowing
In pretty bubbling brooks,
Her secrets, all but showing
In this precious book of stories.
All of her there like ink between the pages.
Might I then, peruse the chapters of her mind.
Suffer a thousand paper cuts from her pages
And bleed, with a treasure or a curse to find.
Look under every dragon infested mountain,
Swim her white lie filled fountain
Drink deep her truth and know my own.
Did she ever once feel a thing?
Of that love that cut me to the bone
A love that sinned by simply being,
A love I murder every waking day.
Lest it raise its lying beak and sing,
The siren's song, there by the bay.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: What I'd do to know how she really felt. What I'd give to be swayed to believe she....
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months 4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Mind Books" explores the metaphor of a person's thoughts being compared to fairy tale books, with truths and secrets laid bare like ink between the pages. The imagery of perusing the chapters of her mind, suffering paper cuts, and seeking treasures or curses is vivid and engaging. The contrast between love and pain, truth and lies, is effectively portrayed through the imagery of dragons, fountains, and siren songs.
One suggestion for improvement would be to consider the consistency of the metaphors throughout the poem. While the imagery of fairy tale books and perusing chapters is strong, the introduction of dragons, fountains, and sirens could be further developed or connected back to the central theme of exploring someone's mind. Ensuring that each metaphor or image serves to enhance the overall message of the poem can help create a more cohesive and impactful piece.
Additionally, paying attention to the flow and structure of the poem could further enhance its impact. Consider experimenting with the line breaks, stanza lengths,
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
9 months 4 weeks ago
Dear W A,
this poem/revelation of yours packs a massive punch! I was bowled over with the first reading!
the second reading left me in awe of your writing skills! These are my favorite lines:
Did she ever once feel a thing?
Of that love that cut me to the bone
A love that sinned by simply being,
A love I murder every waking day.
Lest it raise its lying beak and sing,
The siren's song, there by the bay.
they stirred my soul to remembrance! thank you for this!
*hugs, Cat
Words Ablaze
9 months 4 weeks ago
Your words are always food
Your words are always food for my soul C, always pushing me to do more and more.
This poems I write are my way of getting closure after this one love escapade and to see them being so well felt as I do is fantastic.
So glad you loved it. Thanks for reading.
Lavender
9 months 4 weeks ago
Mind Books
Lovely, and very tender. Wonderful metaphor and language. In reading, what caught me was the unusual rhyme scheme. It doesn't seem to be consistent, and yet it is really interesting! I especially was taken with stanzas 5,6, and 7. This is where the rhyme pattern takes a different path. Don't know if it is intentional, but I think it is pretty cool. I would suggest not use "pages" so close together in stanzas 3 and 4. However, I really love "suffer a thousand paper cuts from her pages." Great poetry!
Thank you!
L
Words Ablaze
9 months 3 weeks ago
It's hard sometimes to say
It's hard sometimes to say what you want to say but still need to worry about rhyme, so sometimes I sacrifice the rhyme and that's why there are these shifts in the rhyme, but I still try to make it work though. I saw it too, having pages appear twice and so close was going to be an issue but you are right the line about the thousand paper cuts proved too good to passover. LOL. I'll see what can be done though. Thanxs for reading and please, keep reading
Obadiah Grey
9 months 4 weeks ago
Perhaps, "babbling brooks"`?
Great choice of words, nice poetry, muchly enjoyed!
Obi.
Words Ablaze
9 months 3 weeks ago
"babbling", mmmh I like that.
"babbling", mmmh I like that.
Thanxs for reading, so glad you liked it.
Triskelion
9 months 3 weeks ago
Yes...
...the mystery of not knowing. That is one of the great things about the sea when you are a thousand leagues out. Of course, there are challenges and some quite intimidating.
Your poem shows improvement over what I usually read from you and I found the metaphor of comparing her mind to a book intriguing and enjoyable. I find the title "Mind Books" could be improved. It seems a little weak compared to the poem's content.
In the second last line, the reference "lying beak" is misplaced. I can relate it to nothing else in the poem. The last line references a siren, which I found to be one of the better lines in the poem, but I just can't relate a beak to a siren.
Overall, the theme is good and your language use is as well. It's definitely worth going over with a critical comb.
Thomas
Words Ablaze
9 months 2 weeks ago
Mystery is torturous yet
Mystery is torturous yet beautiful indeed.
Yea I didn't put much thought into the title it's true, I was to eager to begin while I still had the poetry winds blowing my way, so I just slapped the 2 words together and rode the wave. Um so glad you've seen some improvement it's what strive for and the beak thing too was a doozy as well, just a temporary bridge so that I could go on to the conclusion of the poem, so it can be dealt with and replaced with something more fitting. Thanxs a lot for reading and commenting, much appreciated.