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Mar 04, 2011
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Mind Meld...
The loss of control, between body and mind
The connections are gone, been left behind
I try to mate them, meld them, inspire
But they won't match up, meet in the fire
Broken pieces won't heal, the glue doesn't stick
I'm missing the mortar, there are unattached bricks
A low moan emerges, then a much higher note
Screams erupt, from deep in my throat
Embracing the pain, holding it close
Endorphins kick in, they'll give me a dose
Drifting in limbo, wait for relief
This headache is still, giving me grief
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Geezer
14 years 4 months ago
I agree...
the comma does change the intent of the last line, I have removed it. I used your idea about the bricks, just a little differently. Thanks much, ~ Gee
scribbler
14 years 4 months ago
hi Geeze
I often suffer a disconnect between what my mind wants to do and what my body is willing. I see Bee has already offered advice on the only stumbles I saw in this...................stan
Geezer
14 years 4 months ago
Thanks...
for the read, I appreciate the second opinion. I made a couple of changes. Yes, it seems as though those disconnected feelings happen more and more, the older we get. Chuckle ~ Gee
Xavier Sleuth
3 years 11 months ago
Ouch
Just
Ouch
Geezer
3 years 11 months ago
Yeah...
I sometimes have monstrous headaches. Thanks for choosing this one, I made a couple of small changes. ~ Geez.
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