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Jul 02, 2025
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MINDSET
I walked an identical path with
a different set of experiences.
from weather changes, to brand
new faces at different times of the
day. From sand spitting in my face
and trees becoming agitated. To
Night fishing and bench sitting.
Like the random music sounding into
my ears, or enjoying an ice cream
somewhere in Italy, and then trying
to enjoy It situated by a busy city
choked with hostility, Warm foreign
faces, and friendly waves, replaced
with white flying fists and frowned brows
and slamming of horns.
Just Like a a little adventurous child
hiding in a closet, peeping out or crawling
under a well used dining table, a fresh set
of eyes, observing undercover, looking
and exploring the world in a different
perspective.
Revealing more secrets.
for instance like the pulled up white
stocking of my grandma's left leg,
concealing
the blue raised veins that were
giving her hell. Or the worn out
grey, velcro, shoes of my great
grandfathers.
The scuff marks
revealing, the shuffling, up and
down from a stretch set of
carpeted stairs. Or the friction
from wandering up and down
the concrete garden path, armed
with a rake or trowel.
The crumbled earth and fresh
grass, staying hibernated under
the time worn soles revealing a
peaceful journey.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
3 weeks 4 days ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores the theme of perception and experience through the metaphor of retracing a familiar path under different circumstances. The central idea—that the same route can yield varied insights depending on one’s mindset and context—is effectively conveyed.
The imagery is vivid and tactile, particularly in the descriptions of nature (“sand spitting in my face,” “trees becoming agitated”) and the intimate family details (“pulled up white stocking,” “worn out grey, velcro, shoes”). These concrete details ground the poem and evoke a sense of history and continuity.
However, the poem’s flow could benefit from more consistent punctuation and line breaks to enhance readability and rhythm. For example, some lines run on without clear pauses, which can disrupt the reader’s engagement. Introducing commas or periods strategically would help clarify the pacing and emphasize key moments.
Additionally, the poem occasionally shifts abruptly between scenes—such as from Italy to a hostile city, or from external observations to personal family memories. While these shifts reflect the multiplicity of experience, smoother transitions or thematic connectors might strengthen the overall cohesion.
The metaphor of the “little adventurous child” observing “undercover” is compelling but could be expanded or clarified to deepen its resonance. Is this childlike perspective a return to innocence, curiosity, or a protective stance? Exploring this more explicitly could add emotional depth.
Finally, the closing lines evoke a peaceful resolution, but the phrase “staying hibernated under the time worn soles” is somewhat abstract. Clarifying this image or rephrasing for precision could leave a stronger final impression.
Overall, the poem offers rich sensory detail and thoughtful reflection on how mindset shapes experience, but refining structure and transitions would enhance its impact.
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