Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
May 20, 2013
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Mist
A coffin lowered
the Sun blood stained and weary
never ending tears.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: haiku rules... even if it's not strictly haiku
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
eightmenout
12 years 2 months ago
Welcome
I see you are fairly new and asked for moderate/constructive criticism so I will try to be gentle. Please let me know if I overstep.
That being said, the theme is a bit cliche as are some of the words (coffin, blood, stain, endless, tears). I would prefer to see a stronger hook or twist to carry this through.
example
coffin burrowed deep
fill dirt blood stained and weary
soaked in endless years
again, welcome
eight
loveslave
12 years 2 months ago
Thanx for the welcome and the
Thanx for the welcome and the suggestions!!!!!!
loveslave
12 years 2 months ago
hi ya!
hi ya!