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S
scribbler
Mar 25, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

MODERN MEDICINE

Shaman, Shaman dance for me
for I need your magic now
as sure death grows within me
use ancestors' knowing how

O great Shaman cast your spell
in this dim lit house of glass
ban what makes me fell unwell
I'm not ready yet to pass

Shaman....Doctor mix your potions
bite me with needles of steel
let machines of wonder record the motions
of doom pulsing from crown to heel

Doctor....Shaman...Medicine Man
I read my fate within your eyes
your ju-ju has done all it can
now I'll await final surprise

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

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Comments

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

13 years 4 months ago

hey Stan

This is a great poem. Love reading this perfect on target
4 tetrameter 7 syllables poem in the first two stanzas

In stanza 3 you changed rhythm in first line to
4 tetrameter 8 syllables
then back to
4 tetrameter 7 syllables in second line.
in third line you jump to 11 syllables
then back to
4 tetrameter 8 syllables in forth line

then in last stanza all
4 lines are 4 tetrameter 8 syllables. great read.

my suggestion is to make the whole poem either tetrameter or octameter
some poets write mixed meters very well, so you can do that but flow must work to make poem effective or just work on the third stanza so it will flow with stanzas 1and 2 or 4.

otherwise great poem.

S

scribbler

13 years 4 months ago

Hi Meter maid lol

I actually let the meter drift on purpose to emphasize time and mood changes. But I Do appreciate the time it took you to analyze the changes.........stan

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

13 years 4 months ago

meter maid lol; just caught that

Adding our own differences to poetry can be a good. I suppose my mood ran in the opposite direction. lol

the third stanza simply stumble in flow for me as I sing the meter in my head in a steady count of all syllables having the same rhythm

S

scribbler

13 years 4 months ago

hi

I expect it's the 3rd line of 3rd stanza that causes the trip?..........stan

S

scribbler

13 years 4 months ago

ah ha

I'll scratch my head and various other parts and see what alternative I can come up with that doesn't lose message......stan

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

13 years 4 months ago

Dear Stan,

You really hit the nail on the head with this image filled poem! I wonder though... In this line:

now I'll await final suprise

did you mean surprise?

an enjoyable write to be sure!

always, Cat

S

scribbler

13 years 4 months ago

hi Cat

I actually Do preview my stuff but I must often see what I mean instead of what's there lol. Thanks for the typo spot and for dropping by...........stan