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Jul 14, 2022
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Moolah
Crisp as the night air
They fall one by one
In front of mossy eyes
And jaded ears
The big bucks talk
With voices of greed
The green eyed monster
Comes alive indeed
A roll of the dice
Across verdant felt
Quick flick of the wrist
An unfortunate slip of the lips
She pulls a pistol
From behind her back
Black Jack's slow to draw
Willy Nilly looks to be ill
Frozen steel poking his temple
Willy gives his money over
Jack scoffs, thinking she has no guts
Until he was choking on the barrel
It's been a pleasure
She purred, as she collected her loot
See that man you killed before was my lover
And this money was his to boot
Such ashame I found you
Before it could be spent
Lessons learned, you pricks
The green always wins
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
RoseBlack
3 years ago
Hi Mark
Thank you for your input! The color challenge Cat gave us certainly has been a fun one!
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 12 months ago
What color is the felt
Since we are gambling. I wanna feel the dice hit that felt. And I bet it’s a shade of…
Tim
RoseBlack
2 years 12 months ago
Green
The color is green. I will go back and work on this some more today or tonight. I was really tired last night.
Candlewitch
2 years 12 months ago
dear RB,
your last line is a great tease... more please!?!
*hugs, Cat
RoseBlack
2 years 12 months ago
Cliffhanger
More to come...
RoseBlack
2 years 12 months ago
Per everyone's suggestion...
I have edited and added to the poem. Please let me know how you like it.
Geezer
2 years 12 months ago
This has...
tickled my fancy, and brought the color green to life in a way that I hadn't imagined! This is thinking out of the box, and a pleasure to read with the comedic tint. I am green with jealousy!
~ Geez.
.
RoseBlack
2 years 12 months ago
Thank you
It was much shorter but since it received such a warm response, I took the audience's suggestion and added. It was a fun write. Lately I am just putting words down and see what happens!
Geezer
2 years 12 months ago
Well done!...
I am so pleased that you could respond to the audience and wrote the extra! Excellent! ~ Geez.
.
RoseBlack
2 years 12 months ago
I think
We have a great audience who offers constructive yet gentle feedback and makes it enjoyable to write for.
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 12 months ago
Excellent
Great job. Laden in that imagery I wanted.
RoseBlack
2 years 12 months ago
Thanks Tim
I value your critique and am glad you enjoyed the revisions.
Candlewitch
2 years 12 months ago
dear RoseBlack
your character(or the created character) comes charging to life with reflexes twitching. I love her. I think you should give her a name and a profile (maybe an alter ego?) your foray into Green is top notch!
favorite lines are:
Frozen steel poking his temple
Willy gives his money over
Jack scoffs, thinking she has no guts
Until he was choking on the barrel
It's been a pleasure
She purred, as she collected her loot
See that man you killed before was my lover
And this money was his to boot
great work!
*hugs, Cat
RoseBlack
2 years 12 months ago
Thank you Cat
She was a bit of a surprise character. I started off with a different intention and then she emerged. We may see more of her going forward.
Candlewitch
2 years 12 months ago
cool
cool!
Depressed 1
2 years 11 months ago
I liked it
Being a Twilight Zone fan I especially liked the twist ending.