Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Jul 03, 2014
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
'Mordor'...
Blackness, descends upon the land
No freedoms to perform or hold
Mordor's darkness, is beneath his hand
Death is what you get for being bold
Complacent people herd, you know
Ostrichsized, with buried heads
They make believe it isn't so
It's too late when you are dead
Look around you, see the truth
Don't turn your eyes away
Wasted days, and Ananias' youth
I think we all should pray
Hope they grow up right
Teach them what you can
The future will be bright
If they will only be a man
Work hard and play some too
Temperance for some
Now it's up to you
The battle can be won
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Not sure about the rhythm, it seems a bit rough here and there.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
11 years ago
yeah,
For the last two stanzas.
Youth is our last hope.
'Mordor' is not there in my dictionary. Any help?
weirdelf
11 years ago
Mordor is from "Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien
It is the dark, devastated land where the lord of evil, Sauron, reigns
weirdelf
11 years ago
Mordor is a heavy title, fullof deep literary references
To use this title raises expectations the poem does not fulfil.
Tolkein himself was adamant that his works were not political allegory.
Blackness, descends upon the land
No freedoms to perform or hold
Mordor's darkness, is beneath his hand
Death is what you get for being bold [oh really? The Fellowship of the Ring were bold]
Complacent people herd, you know [you know serves no function than to fill the line]
Ostrichsized, with buried heads [Ostracised]
They make believe it isn't so
It's too late when you are dead
Look around you, see the truth
Don't turn your eyes away
Wasted days, and Ananias' youth
I think we all should pray [no, fuck off! Why would anyone pray to a non-existent entity?]
[you know it is deadly to put a poem in the second person. It changes it to preaching and only the weak-minded like that]
Hope they grow up right
Teach them what you can
The future will be bright
If they will only be a man
Work hard and play some too
Temperance for some
Now it's up to you
The battle can be won
The last 2 stanzas are trite homilising. I love you man, and much of your work but this is possibly the worst of your I have ever read. Unless it is all ironical, if so I missed that and am sorry.
Geezer
11 years ago
You are right...
I didn't live up to the expectations of the title. I apologize to Tolkein for the use of Mordor. This poem was meant to be satirical. I think I tried to enfold too many ideas at the cost of being clear.
1) "Death is what you get for being bold." Was meant to bring attention to the people who are killed for their outspoken diatribes against despots and tyrants.
2) Of course I needed to fill the line!
3) I meant [Ostrichsized], not ostracized, to emphasize the buried heads!
4) " I think we all should pray" was taken too literally, in this case. [ I simply meant, that we should give a great deal of thought to what is happening! " All that is needed, for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing!"
[ I think I got that right? ] I do admit, that the last two stanzas are trite and [ homilising ]? Anyways, thank you for your honest critique, ~ Gee
weirdelf
11 years ago
I think the failure here was in my reading.
Ask someone else for a second opinion.
Geezer
11 years ago
Ok...
What do the rest of you think? Jess says that he thinks that it was his reading of the poem that didn't let it make the grade.