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Jul 23, 2012
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More Doors
I must sit down and turn around
be mindful as I sit,
the reason you can't see my face
is it's covered with your spit!
This gravy-train is quite insane
I chew my food real good;
I have a way of saying things
but I'm so, misunderstood!
It's alright, I'll be polite
and say what's on my mind;
if negatives breed negatives
I'll be the other kind.
With borrowed soap, I can't lose hope
and air my cares outside;
if the time's not right and at this height,
it'll be impossible to hide!
Tweedle-dee, and tweedle-dum
no worries in the rain;
all my good and bad times
end up going down the drain.
Seems to me my final plea
won't say as much as yours;
my journey's almost over
while you've still a lot more doors!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
12 years 11 months ago
Well written, reads with flow and entertainment,
I would try re-writing it in the first person, I think it would have more impact.
Just as an example-
I sit down and turn around
mindful as I sit,
the reason you can't see my face
is it's covered with your spit!
This gravy-train is quite insane
but, I chew my food real good;
It's my usual argument with your work, but can you see my point? We convey our power by owning it, not telling others what to do.
docmaverick
12 years 11 months ago
Of course, you're right....
...I found a long forgotten notebook where I "sketched", for a time or two.
Thanx, for that;
doc.