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This poem is part of the workshop:

More Meter

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More Meter Ex. 1 Trochaic Pentameter

x = stressed o= unstressed

I

Jeffery Dahmer killed his neighbour: flushed him (down the drain)
Ed Gein ate his mother (and) played in (her) dirty dresses
While Son of Sam with gun in hand was killing golden (retrievers)
Fisher went and ate some children: buried them in (the) barn

xo xo x o xo: x o (o o x)
x o x o xo (o) x o (o) xo xo
xo x o x o x o x o xo xo (oxx)
xo x o x o xo: xo x o (o) x

II

Breezes like cool kisses make the poppies
dance in frenzied patience along dandelions and
ambivalent (daffodils)—while swans neck

xo x o xo x o xo
x o xo xo xo xox o
xox (oox)— xo xo xo

About This Poem

Last Few Words: My attempt at trochaic pentameter. Couldn't get to fourteen lines and are two separate poems/stanzas. They are riddled with issues and inconsistencies. () = where I know I screwed up the meter but couldn't find a way around it.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New South Wales, AUS

Favorite Poets: Charles Baudelaire, Gottried Benn, William Cowper, Michael Dransfield, Benjamen Frater, Allen Ginsberg, Gwen Harwood, Lautréamont, Edvard Munch, Ezra Pound, Arthur Rimbaud, Alan Wearne, Francis Webb, John Wilmot II Earl of Rochester

More from this author

Comments

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 5 months ago

I asked you to use the metric system I explaine 4 times

No, you see I started, but I can't parse this.

Jeffery Dahmer killed his neighbour: flushed him (down the drain)
Ed Gein ate his mother (and) played in (her) dirty dresses
While Son of Sam with gun in hand was killing golden (retrievers)
Fisher went and ate some children: buried them in (the) barn

It's the parentheses through me off. It feels like a deliberate attempt to change the stress, not necessarily for the netter.

Anyhow, everyone knows parentheses are anathema to poetry.

 

S

scribbler

13 years 5 months ago

HARUMPH!

And exactly Who says parentheses don't belong in poetry? I guess commas, question marks and explanation points don't either..........stan

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 5 months ago

Let's try again.

Or Not.

I asked for decriptive or un-emotive words so you would not become attached to them. What's with all the parentheses? Write some meter. Do what some Southern State dialect speakers do and use a phonetic dictionary.

I want to hear some meter.

MichelleK

MichelleK

13 years 5 months ago

Hey Sorry Jess,

Just got internet back tonight so I just read all the messages. I'll get onto it tonight; I won't rest until I've got something worthy to submit.

Sorry for holding up this work-shop so much!

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 5 months ago

hey, don't mind my tantrums

most people here are used to them.
I would like to wrap up this workshop within the next week, so just submit one simple piece of Iambic Pentameter and another slightly more ambitious piece, if you have time.
Sorry to go off at you.