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A Morph Poem (edited)
I stand upon the cliff Confusion
and ponder whether I should leap.
Does Clarity have any purpose
or am I lying to myself again?
The Manic in me rears its head
and I produce in fits and starts,
but soon depression will be all
and I will seek Confusion in the drink.
The Mindless is a blessing wrought
with fear. It offers naught
and yet I seek the gift
full knowing it won’t lift
me from that Cliff.
I ponder if
there’s naught to keep,
but no… I leap.
Shattered.
Mattered.
Lost.
Cost.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Very little different here. I repaired some metric structures, but I still don't like the poem.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
10 years 10 months ago
I still
Like it.
alidzain
10 years 10 months ago
I think
this is a good one.
Alid
Arrow
10 years 10 months ago
I wish you'd left the original as I can't remember what's change
although I did read your note. For me, what doesn't sit right is the last four lines; they feel like an awkward extra toe. Without them, I think it flows well and that the free verse does have the feel of racing thoughts. What is it you're unhappy with?
wesley snow
10 years 10 months ago
Hard to put my finger on.
I don't like the morph to shorter lines though that is what I intended... to go from essentially iambic pentameter to a one syllable line. Keats wrote an entire poem with single words. I don't know how he did it. The only changes I made was to shorten the first few lines to clean up and make more traditional the meter. Thus to make a larger difference against the ending.
Barbara Writes
10 years 10 months ago
Wes
The morph is subtle at first then you you rhymed in the 4th stanza. I like it
Leonard
10 years 10 months ago
I like the way, like a rope unravelling
you dropped down to your last word. Wes, I have experimented with forms such as Haiku, Tanka etc but this is new to me. In fact, this morphing thing has me a little perplexed.
I enjoyed the write
Cheers
wesley snow
10 years 10 months ago
Perplexed.
Indeed. It is deceptively difficult. Thanks for stopping by.
Before I forget... Rula and I have begun a new workshop concerning dramatic verse. I would love to have your input in the shop and you might find it new and curious. I invite you to check out the syllabus (under Storytelling in Verse: Dramatic Verse).
Seren
10 years 10 months ago
Wesley
I am wearing thin now I have been here an hour so I didn't read any of the above comments
this is a brilliant poem in my humble opinion, one of your best
nothing much to offer really there are a couple of lines that could be improved but I will think on them
tonight I will get back to you tomorrow night
I have a new system I write down the poems I need to come back to, lol I used to forget all the time
big smile
love Jayne xxxx
p.s I wouldn't touch the last stanza its meaning and end are beautifully done
alidzain
10 years 10 months ago
Hiya Jayne
long time no see. I've been wondering how you've been doing.
love Alid