Neopoet

Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

F
Frenchf
Mar 12, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Mother love senryu

On the phone overheard
his mothers voice say "love"
Why was he aroused?

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is true. Any one wish to comment?

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Uk south east London

Favorite Poets: Wilde, Keats, Shakespeare, Benjamin Zephaniah , Browning Elizabeth Barrett and Robert, Turkish poetry, rudyard Kipling, arctic monkey song lyrics, Pam Ayres, Donne, Beatles Simon and Garfunkel song lyrics

More from this author

Comments

F

Frenchf

12 years 4 months ago

Thanks yes

I think mother's as in belongs to mother.
Or should it be mothers voice?
Help!

Ross Hamilton Hill

Ross Hamilton Hill

12 years 4 months ago

Hi

not big fan of english haiku, since it seems to me the calligraphic aspect is intrinsic to its effectiveness, also, although I 'm guessing, I would think the ideographic nature of japanese would also mean the form is vastly more effective in Japanese than english. Same goes for senryu even though your example has a nice edge to it to me it's too brief to have much effect.

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 4 months ago

Frenchf

As Ross said in a few words this didn't work, probably make it around three stanzas, then it would give you space to expand and wow us,
Though you have labelled it a Senyru which is usually 5-7-5 sylables, let me quickly check something.... Hang on I'm checking..... OK all I can come up with in such a short time is :-

Phone call overheard
his mothers voice saying "love"
this touched him deeply..

The word arousal seems to be out of place here when talking of a mothers love as it is usually used in another context..Not bad for such a rush..
La La Spuggy.

E

eightmenout

12 years 4 months ago

I loved it

I think you did a spectacular job in capturing a moment of consciousness and then, by all means, allowed me to imply my own. I wouldn't change a thing.

E

eightmenout

12 years 4 months ago

You were able to establish

You were able to establish two relationships in three short lines. Mother/son and husband/wife (boyfriend/girlfriend). the m/s relationship is obviously established; the h/w union now cast with uncertainity. The uncertainty can be many things, disgust, distrust, shame, embarrassment, insecurity. it's open ended to be interpreted by the reader. it allows the reader to put themselves in and play out the rest of the scenario.

the end can be an innocent explanation of he married his mother and therefore was aroused for his wife or the reader can take it the other way and imply that there is a something awry and play it out with any of the aforementioned thoughts and then some.

again, i loved it. but i love poetry that allows me to escape in it.