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Nov 17, 2015
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My Eyes ( Re-Ed)
These are my eyes
forever in eternal search
of more beautiful ones
as I research...
they look straight
into your eyes
and
if you are telling lies
they will pierce
till blood comes in your eyes
and
you uncover your false disguise
These alone are my eyes
there should be no surprise
early morning the sun does rise
just to see my lovely eyes
any doubts
come over to me
to see
how your eyes
equally smile
at me...
as I stare into your eyes
if only you have eyes
like mine
then twill alone be fine
yes
these eyes are
really and only mine....
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Sparrow
9 years 8 months ago
Loved
A good theme and mostly well turned out, the first stanza needs attention it seems bad English:-
Mine are the eyes
all are in ever search of
they look straight into your eyes.
(The flow needs attention here, the second line)
and
if you are telling lies
they will pierce
till blood comes in your eyes
and
you uncover your false disguise.
Not sure how to sort this second part just rearrange the words to flow..
Liked it as a whole,
Take care see you later, Yours Ian..
lovedly
9 years 8 months ago
i saw her eyes
she said don't write about my eyes
changed the stance
from her eyes to mine
shall redo correct bad English too
woohooo
Ian thank yoooooo
Sparrow
9 years 7 months ago
Loved
Wesley agrees with me, also says that the piece is good Wow!
Have a great day young Bard,
Yours as always, Ian
wesley snow
9 years 7 months ago
I fear I agree with Ian.
The beginning is a mish mash of English. Otherwise the poem has clarity and I liked it.
lovedly
9 years 7 months ago
thanks I know
in haste I mixed
''mine and thine''
as she said don't
shall amend it
thaKns Ian and u
Sparrow
9 years 7 months ago
Loved
The eyes have it lol,
Yours Ian..
lovedly
9 years 7 months ago
Thanks Ian
any better now?
Sparrow
9 years 7 months ago
Loved
You have made this better, still not sure about the number of eyes though lol.
Take care young Bard and know we read your works, Yours Ian..
lovedly
9 years 7 months ago
yeah i always knew
only you do
at times Judy and now Snow
Stan has gone to repair his knees
has he?
lovedly
9 years 7 months ago
yeah I see your point again...
one too many eyes
yes i shall sacrifice the rhyme
for the sake of eyes
maybe urs i will include tomorrow
ere the sun does rise
there will be lesser of eyes
many will demise
hopefully not mine
Sparrow
9 years 7 months ago
Loved
One by one the ayes will fade
yet give thanks that they will be less
than the nays if the vote is for war
The ayes we will keep for humanity..
Yours Ian..
lovedly
9 years 7 months ago
ok ok
i got busy and my eyes went hazy
will pick out some
ere some one pricks me
Sparrow
9 years 7 months ago
Loved
Just being Bad lol
lovedly
9 years 7 months ago
ok ok
this Sunday
I will skip swimming
and will be commenting only
18 hours okay
Will do