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RJ Bear
RJ Bear
May 05, 2026 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoet Weekly 05/3/26 to 05/9/26

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My First and Last

We met when we were barely seventeen,
the sweetest love that I have ever seen.
We walked along the river, hand in hand,
and built our future on the shifting sand.

Through sixty years of sun and rainy days,
you never left my side, in many ways.
Your hair turned silver, mine grew thin and white,
but you remained my only guiding light.

Now in this room, the light is growing dim,
your eyes are closed, my heart is breaking in.
I place my hand upon your weary face,
and tremble in this quiet, sacred place.

You whispered low, "My love, don't look so sad, remember all the joyful times we had."
I kissed your forehead and struggled to speak,
while tears were streaming down upon my cheek.

"I’m ready, love," I said with trembling breath,
"We are bound as one, even unto death."
You smiled just once, a flicker of the past,
and softly sighed, "You were my first and last."

"Don't cry for me, my love, for I am staying,
just listen for my voice when trees are swaying.
I’ll wait for you beyond the morning sun,
our earthly walk together now is done."

Then in the silence, you were gone from me,
a lonely parting by the silent sea.
I held your hand, which now was turning cold,
a thousand memories to have and hold.

— RJ Bear, May 05, 2026

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney Australia, AUS

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Critiques

neopoet

neopoet

1 week 6 days ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem offers a narrative of lifelong love culminating in a moment of parting, employing a straightforward, linear structure and consistent rhyme scheme (couplets in AABB). The clarity of the narrative is a strength; the reader is guided through the stages of the relationship without ambiguity. The poem’s emotional arc is direct, with each stanza contributing to the progression from youthful love to the final farewell.

Imagery is present but tends toward the familiar: “walked along the river,” “hair turned silver,” “tears were streaming.” These images are accessible, but they risk feeling generic. Consider introducing more specific or unique sensory details to distinguish this relationship from others and to deepen the reader’s emotional engagement. For example, instead of “a thousand memories to have and hold,” referencing a particular shared memory or object could add resonance.

The poem’s diction is earnest and plain, which suits the subject, but there are moments where the language could be tightened. For example, “my heart is breaking in” is somewhat awkward; “breaking” or “breaking open” might be more effective. The line “the light is growing dim” is a familiar metaphor for death; seeking a fresher image could strengthen the impact.

The dialogue between the couple adds intimacy, but the punctuation in the quoted lines is inconsistent (e.g., missing a period at the end of “remember all the joyful times we had”). Attending to punctuation in dialogue will help with clarity and rhythm.

The poem’s conclusion, with the image of holding a cold hand and recalling memories, is poignant but could benefit from a more concrete or surprising final image to leave a lasting impression. The “silent sea” is evocative, but its introduction at the end is abrupt; if the sea is significant, consider weaving it into earlier stanzas.

Overall, the poem’s structure and sentiment are clear, but it would be strengthened by more original imagery, precise language, and attention to punctuation. Consider ways to make the relationship and its loss feel singular and immediate to the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to our contact form.

Geezer

Geezer

1 week 6 days ago

I have...

nothing to add to the A.I.s critique. I felt the incredible sadness, the loss; but found the joy of so many years of companionship, extremely satisfying. The ending is not the ending, just a new beginning. Very poignant. ~ Geez.