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May 10, 2025
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My First Computer
I took the course that my Mom required
Before I was permitted to do what I desired
I waited for the box to arrive with glee
Dreaming of all the work that I would see
I heard the postman’s footsteps pounding there
And then I spied the small square box on the stair
Inside I saw what looked like a small TV
And dreamed about all that I now could be
Brand new games and programs on floppy disks appear
I knew that my expanded education would be near
Learning to type words on a screen filled me with delight
Causing me to spend quite a few hours each night
The electronic package was not so very fast
But added a lifetime of memories that would last
My first computer was a Commodore Vic 20
And deleted my allowance of most of my money
It was not the easiest tool to use and not so fast
But it filled my heart and mind with memories that would last
My first computer will be embedded in my thoughts and mind
And will permit me to advance with each new updated kind.
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
1 month 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Consider clarifying the poem's central emotion or insight beyond nostalgia. Currently, the poem relies heavily on straightforward narrative and rhyme, which limits its depth. The rhyme scheme, while consistent, occasionally feels forced, such as pairing "required" with "desired" and "Vic 20" with "money," which reduces the poem's overall impact. Consider revising these rhymes to achieve a more natural flow.
Additionally, the poem tends toward generalities ("dreamed about all that I now could be," "expanded education would be near") rather than specific, vivid imagery or concrete details. Including more precise descriptions of the computer, the games, or the experience of using it could enhance reader engagement and emotional resonance.
The repetition of the idea that the computer created lasting memories appears multiple times ("memories that would last," "embedded in my thoughts and mind"). Consider varying this sentiment or exploring it more deeply to avoid redundancy and to offer readers a richer understanding of the speaker's personal connection to the computer.
Finally, the poem's rhythm and meter are somewhat inconsistent. Tightening the meter would help create a smoother reading experience and reinforce the poem's nostalgic tone.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
1 month 2 weeks ago
Good memories Clentin
I think there are some repeated ideas /thoughts that the poem can do without.
Just thoughts
Thank you for sharing!
Clentin
1 month 2 weeks ago
Thank you for reading and
Thank you for reading and comments. I appreciate it.
Will review again and again to examine my thoughts.