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Feb 28, 2025
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My Memorable Time
The day arrived that filled me with dread
As I watched my sister in her hospital bed
Day by day she drifted into a deep sleep
Causing us to sigh and really weep
Each day we said our prayers
Petitioning the man upstairs
Talking to her while in her state
Hoping she could avoid her fate
My wife recited the Rosary in depth
Upons the last words she took her last breath
A memorable way for her to pass
With a prayer in her heart she went with class
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months 4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem addresses a deeply emotional and personal moment, and the subject matter is handled with sincerity. However, there are several areas where the poem could be strengthened:
1. **Imagery and Specificity:**
Currently, the poem relies heavily on general statements ("filled me with dread," "really weep," "petitioning the man upstairs"). Consider incorporating more specific imagery or sensory details to evoke stronger emotional resonance. For example, describe the hospital setting, the sounds, or the physical sensations experienced by the narrator to create a more vivid and immersive scene.
2. **Language and Word Choice:**
The phrase "the man upstairs" feels informal and somewhat cliché, which detracts from the seriousness and emotional depth of the poem. Consider choosing language that matches the gravity of the situation and reflects the emotional tone more accurately.
3. **Rhythm and Meter:**
The poem's rhythm is inconsistent in places, which can disrupt the reading experience. For example, the line "Upons the last words she took her last breath" contains a typo ("Upons") and feels awkward rhythmically. Revising the line to improve flow and meter would help maintain the poem's emotional impact.
4. **Emotional Depth and Complexity:**
The poem currently presents a straightforward narrative of loss. Consider exploring more nuanced emotional responses or complexities within the experience. This could involve reflecting on personal memories, unresolved feelings, or deeper reflections on mortality and faith.
5. **Title:**
The title "My Memorable Time" feels somewhat vague and does not fully capture the emotional weight of the poem. Consider choosing a title that better reflects the poem's themes of loss, faith, or personal reflection.
Addressing these points could help the poem achieve greater emotional depth, clarity, and resonance.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
3 months 3 weeks ago
A heartfelt
read Clentin. I'm sorry for the loss, but this is how life goes I believe.
Thank you for sharing these momerable moments
Rula
3 months 3 weeks ago
A heartfelt
read Clentin. I'm sorry for the loss, but this is how life goes I believe.
Thank you for sharing these momerable moments