alidzain

Apr 09, 2016 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

For My Parents

Dearest mother,
when I was a young seed in your womb,
in every beat of your heart, I was there.
When the time came for my birth,
you willingly faced a world of pain.
With love, you delivered me to the world.

Dearest father,
you're the captain in my ship of life.
The turbulent waves of the wild sea,
your companion in all your strife.
When the storm comes my way,
your courage guides me to safety.
Without you, I would have gone astray.

Even if I have a thousand lives,
I can never repay your sacrifices for me.
Thank you for all that you've done.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Some nice imagery through out

Some nice imagery through out. May Allah bless our parents.
I am not sure I like the line breaks if you like to reconsider.
Some typos.. S. 1 deliver (ed)
S.3 Leaves

alidzain

9 years 3 months ago

Salam, Rula

I need your suggestions in this. I want it to rhyme but just can't work it out. this is still a rough draft and I need help to improve on it without changing the message. suggestions, please.

Alid

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Salam Khalid

Dearest mother,
you're [your]willing to face a sea
of agony (enthrolls/intrigues) me[.]
You're the captain in my ship of life.
The turbulent waves of the wild sea,
[Are?]your companion[s] in all your strife.
When the wind leaves us floating,
your courage always guide[s] my way.

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Dearest father,

Dearest father,
[I know] [you'd] sacrifice [anything for me.]
[So] even if I have a thousand lives,
I can never repay all that you've done for me.
I will tell your story to my loved ones
[So they'd know] [how you've] shaped the man in me.

Hope this gives an idea of my suggestion.

alidzain

9 years 3 months ago

Salam, Rula

abit.yes.I'm trying to input the father as the head of the family,that's why I put it that he is the captain of the ship. hmmmm.I'll rest abit before I jump into it.Thks

Alid

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

but the way

you put it reads as your mother is the captain of the ship, or at least how I read it.

alidzain

9 years 3 months ago

Salam, Rula

Really? nah.MY bad.

Alid

raj

9 years 3 months ago

Hi Alid

A good poem to express gratitude to the parents without whom we wouldn't have been blessed to be in this world..

alidzain

9 years 3 months ago

raj

Thanks for the visit,the read and the comment. Stillnot happy with it,though.

Alid

lovedly

9 years 3 months ago

well alidz mine matches

co IN CI DEN TAL

Haahahahaaa she did not know
No, no, no,
We all saw you in the x-rays and what’s that called today
can't get the word, what a shame...
shall return on my way
Aaaaahh ultrasound, see

I told you we could see
you kicking freely and mommy was laughing
''''my kid’s alalaallala kicking...''
She was so happy and tears rolled down her cheeks
every time you kicked out of joy really...
Poppy saw her and kept smiling...
See we saw uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

but you couldn't feel it
as and when we did it!...
or did you well you didn't say....
but..
you continued to kick anyway....