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Feb 08, 2022
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The My Poem Contest... [Screaming inside]
The scream was there and ready
He felt it in his chest
He couldn't take it anymore
Though he'd done his best
There was all this pressure
That he tried to block
He couldn't catch a breath
Lungs and heart were locked
His fist was clenched and ready
Then he saw a face
A look of horror, of sorry
He came away, from that place
Don't go back to a distant time
Don't be that one again
Let it be, just let it rest
From a monster to a man
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ray Whitaker
3 years 4 months ago
Really nice piece!
MY Poem contest is drawing you in! I've no changes to smuggles, other that adding one word to the last line: adding "Coming" to it.
Geezer
3 years 4 months ago
Thank you...
I thought about adding something to that last line, but felt that it would take away from the meter. ~ Geez.
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Candlewitch
3 years 4 months ago
dear Geez,
a harrowing experience capturing the readers head and heart. while reading this, I only noticed I was holding my breath when I came to the climax! I wouldn't change a word. I had a similar experience but from a woman's point of view. you knew that eddy styx had to come from somewhere ;)
thanks for this, Cat & eddy
Geezer
3 years 4 months ago
Yes...
I figured that. This man never hit a woman, but he did hurt someone once, long ago, that person was shocked because he never expected it. The trauma of it hurt both of them. Glad you liked it. ~ Geez.
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