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Triskelion

Sep 21, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

the Naked Field

the meadow burned with flowers early fall
where black eyed suzys waved to no one there
a patch of goldenrod had formed a wall
and thistles with their bristles combed the air

the midday sun was lazed on drying clover
tumbling pairs of butterflies emerged
my thoughts of you were churning, turning over
emotions born of adolescence surged

the meadow smelled of nature in that bliss
the sound of insect narratives were spun
and there, where all these eyes could see us kiss
we seized the breeze where wildness had run

Your cheek became the day my love was sealed
that day we wandered through the naked field

About This Poem

Last Few Words: A sonnet for those with a tendency to reflect on l'amour des jeunes! Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Lake Simcoe Canada

Favorite Poets: Poe, Frost, E.B. Browning, Theodor Seuss Geisel,

More from this author

Comments

10 months ago

The Naked Field

Oh, my, Thomas,
So very lovely. Soft, gentle and pure. The rhyme is wonderfully tight and not forced. And then there is the somewhat hidden rhyme that rolls through the poem adding more delight - thistle, bristles, churning, turning, seized, breeze. The tumbling butterflies, the drying clover, the bounty of eyes watching - such delicate features in this anything-but-naked field. Which brings me to think about the title, how it describes not the field, but the innocence in this significant moment. So lovely.
I did notice the syllable count change in the second stanza. You kept the iambic pentameter without the traditional 10 syllables. It works!
Beautiful poetry.
Thank you!
L

10 months ago

Hi Lavender

As usual, your astute critique is both welcoming and inspiring. I just noticed I left the editing stage to rough draft when of course, it's not.
Leaving lines with an odd foot(if that's what you call it) has been an interest to me for some time as it's always a challenge to decide whether or not to continue the established metre, or to restart in iambic on the next line, so I did both..lol.
I'm glad the metaphoric references can be noticed including the title. Subtlety is not always a strong point of mine.
So glad you enjoyed this, Lavender. Thank you for commenting!

Thomas

10 months ago

Dear Thomas,

I noticed you did not ask AI to leave its muddy boot prints on this gorgeous poem. and I am not sure if adding punctuation would help or harm. I like the purity of the presentation you have employed. Reading your poem distracted me from my pain and filled me with soft visions of what love should be about. I loved these lines:

the meadow smelled of nature in that bliss
the sound of insect narratives were spun
and there, where all these eyes could see us kiss
we seized the breeze where wildness had run

Your cheek became the day my love was sealed
that day we wandered through the naked field

Thank you for sharing this
*hugs, Cat

10 months ago

Hi Cat

Thank you for commenting on my sonnet. It would be interesting if ai could pick up on the subtle metaphors as Lavender did or express why it moves someone emotionally. I really doubt it. How could it? Could it choose it's favourite lines? I refuse to consider it. I believe creativity and appreciation is a carbon based trait and will never be experienced by ai.

Anyway, I am super pleased you found a moment of rest reading my writing. I think that's one of the reasons poetry is all about us.

Thomas

10 months ago

Triskelion

What a tribute to love, nature and innocence. I'm enamored by the detail.

10 months ago

Hi Leslie

Thank you for reading and commenting. Detail is what brings life to simple moments and sonnets are a great canvas to expressions of love.
I'm glad you could enjoy it.

Thomas

10 months ago

Been so long...

since I've seen a sonnet, that I was transfixed. Like a deer in the headlights. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but surprising.
It almost seems like a history lesson. Your title is good, I recognize the symbology here. The language use is very good, with great internal rhyming in some lines. The form fits the theme, and the whole thing hangs together like fresh sheets, billowing in the wind. ~ Geez.
.

9 months 4 weeks ago

Hey, Geezer

Thanks for taking the time to review this "little song". I apologize for my lack of social commitment of late, but find myself so affected with the absence of our mutual friend that the wine just hasn't got the same...something... that inspired me before.

Your technical breakdown of this sonnet is as usual to the point and honest. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on it.

Hm,..billowing sheets on the line..

Thomas

9 months 4 weeks ago

There are days...

and there are days. I know whereof you speak. Life happens and we are tossed about on the sea of chaos. But, sooner or later, we come to rest after the storm, yearning for the peace of our favorite harbor. Take a look around and maybe you will have an idea about how to turn one of the week's suggestions on its head. ~ Geez.
.

9 months 4 weeks ago

Beautiful stuff.

Beautiful stuff.

9 months 3 weeks ago

Thank you..

..Words Ablaze. Poems like these very rarely express the actual sentiment behind them...need to keep trying. I know you know what I mean by that.

Thomas

9 months 3 weeks ago

This is wonderful, Thomas.

This is wonderful, Thomas.
Such a tender bucolic piece,
I was almost there with you!

Well done brother.

Obi.

9 months 3 weeks ago

Hey, Obi...

...thanks for stopping by and leaving an inspiring comment. Hope to see something from you soon. Cheers!

Thomas