judyanne

May 29, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

nature’s pain

.
with cadence of a mournful, howling hound
the whistling wailing wind torments the trees
a ghostly shriek, a hungry, haunting sound
with cadence of a mournful, howling hound
who lies upon a new dug mound of ground
and whines lament, for missing master pleads
with cadence of a mournful, howling hound
the whistling wailing wind torments the trees

About This Poem

Last Few Words: a triolet is a poem of only eight lines with a rhyme scheme ABaAabAB ... It's usually written in iambic tetrameter ... I have written this in pentameter ..

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story

Comments

scribbler

13 years 1 month ago

Hi Judy

I like the brevity of this form. It would leave less for me to mess up lol. Now to display my ignorance. What is the difference between a and A. Also did you mean to repeat the use of trees in l-2 and l-8? This form does well in avoiding the sing-song quality which could so easily be apparent in a poem of this brevity in which only 2 rhyme sounds are use (well 3 if you cont the near-rhyme of pleads). Always good to be exposed to something new to me.......stan

judyanne

13 years 1 month ago

thanks for the comments stan

i disagree with your idea of what causes 'sing-song'.. i think it has a lot more to do with word usage and placement, as well as .... here it comes .... .... METER :)
LOL

actually, i think you would work this form well stan

the 'A' denotes repeated whole line
the 'a' denotes repeated rhyme
as
with cadence of a mournful, howling hound -- A
the whistling wailing wind torments the trees-- B
a ghostly shriek, a hungry, haunting sound -- a
with cadence of a mournful, howling hound - A
who lies upon a new dug mound of ground -- a
laments in whine, for missing master pleads -- b
with cadence of a mournful, howling hound -- A
the whistling wailing wind torments the trees - B

and yes, i plead approximate rhyme with 'pleads' and 'trees'.

i originally had close to perfect rhyme with
'the whistling wailing winds, the trees torment
and, for his missing master, whines lament'

but i sacrificed it for better grammer :)

love judy
xxx

Candlewitch

13 years 1 month ago

Dear Judy,

the A a B b etc makes my head spin. All I know is I like the poem as it rolls right off the tongue. I love the content and alliteration! You are one right smark cookie!

love, Cat

judyanne

13 years 1 month ago

dearest cat

thank you for the lovely comment

rhyme scheme is quite simple to understand really
t see you are joining wesley's workshop, so great, we'll have a very interesting time of it i think
love judy
xxx

weirdelf

13 years 1 month ago

I prefer part rhymes, more subtlety, atmospheric

As Barbara is running a Japanese forms workshop, when you have been testing the waters, I am considering running a Weird Western forms workshop (that won't be the title) and you and Bryan have been testing the waters.

I believe this works at every level, technically, experimentally (very brave to make it pentameter, 25% more difficult, teehee), above all poetically, it's just bloody beautiful.

I especially love your non-intrusive use of consonance and assonance, on top of the technical difficulty.

You know you shit me to tears? How the fuck am I supposed to crit this?

weirdelf

13 years 1 month ago

I know how to crit it!

It doesn't point at frauds, take sides or start arguments. Though it may well help name the unnameable, shape the world and definitely stop it going to sleep.

judyanne

13 years 1 month ago

thanks jess

for the very supportive comments
lol - so glad i got 50% for poet's work- at least i pass
love judy
xxx