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NEEDLES OF THE HEART
The smile you see on the face
A mask, like actors of old, a play
To cover sadness from lesion
Wounds inflicted by tiny needles
Of trying efforts, love not returned
Scornful glances and desertion
I am left in the open to be beaten
By rain and sun, in harsh climates
The smile, once from a healthy heart
And genuine affection keeps me on
Makes me act as in normal times
To walk erect as a man, knowing
I paid my dues, served my country
As commander of the people’s army
I stand corrected, if this is not the man
You once praised for his qualities
I woke up one morning to see you
Standing by my bedside with a cup
Ah! Blended coffee, with rich aroma
You handed it to me gently, with a kiss
Like Judas’ on the master’s cheek
Of betrayal full of minuscule needles
Unseen by eyes, the drink was good
Prickles pierced my chest with so much pain
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
raj
14 years ago
emotions bared very
emotions bared very effectively in this write...many favorite lines here...
you may want to correct a wee bit of an error in line 8 of first stanza...change "hash" to "harsh".. which i am sure is what you mean..
t. reflexion
14 years ago
raj
Thank you I have corrected line 8. I appreciate your comments and for stopping by. Best wishes.
tr
weirdelf
14 years ago
I don't understand it, Trex
a correction
Like Judas’ on the master’s chick [check]
I fail to see the betrayal.
Help me.
t. reflexion
14 years ago
Hi Jess,
The betrayal is embodied in the cup of coffee containing tiny needles, meaning that the man, having fallen from his glory days, is no longer useful to the one serving the coffee with needles in an attempt to kill him. Though lines 5 and 6 of the first stanza try to hint on this, it seems not to be clear. I will add one more stanza to make this obscured view clearer. Thank you and best wishes.
tr