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Feb 11, 2025
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The Night Dawns
Night Dawns
The dead of night still lingers in his veins,
yet absence chills him more than thirsting breath.
Her laughter, once his balm to hunger pains,
now buried deep, she’s lost to earth and death.
No whispered cry remains to call him near,
no murmured vow to stir his hollow chest.
The stars burn on, but none can ease his fear
a shrouded grief that cannot grant him rest.
What worth has time when love is torn away?
through nights so dark they stretch but never break?
where dreamers seize not on the birth of day,
then let him rise to light the dawn awake.
A golden sun spills across the land
he steps, he burns, he takes her by the hand.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I've used this poem to tell a story about lost love and the sadness of a lover left behind but the "hero" isn't like any other. He's a vampire and he's lost the vampire that turned him after spending years in the dark together. I've injected lots of human elements into this, because, who says I can't feel what a vampire would feel or a vampire can't feel what a human does? Ruby :)
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
5 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Night Dawns" demonstrates a strong command of the sonnet form, adhering to the traditional 14-line structure and utilizing a consistent iambic pentameter throughout. However, there are a few areas that could be improved to enhance the overall impact of the poem.
Firstly, the poem's theme of loss and longing is well established, but the narrative could benefit from more specific imagery. For example, the line "The stars burn on, but none can ease his fear" could be more evocative if the stars were described in a way that directly relates to the speaker's emotional state.
Secondly, the poem's language leans heavily on abstract concepts such as "absence," "fear," and "grief." While these terms effectively convey the speaker's emotional state, they could be replaced with more concrete and sensory language to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Lastly, the final couplet, "A golden orb spills across the land / he steps, he burns, he takes her by the hand," is somewhat ambiguous. If the "golden orb" is intended to represent the sun, it would be helpful to clarify this. Additionally, the phrase "he steps, he burns, he takes her by the hand" could be made more explicit to ensure the reader fully understands the speaker's actions and their significance.
In summary, the poem could be strengthened by incorporating more specific imagery, using more concrete and sensory language, and clarifying the meaning of the final couplet.
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One
5 months 1 week ago
Solid
Hi there,
This poem is deeply moving & evokes the kind of universal longing & mourning that resonates with me It’s rich with imagery, & the transition from sorrow to a quiet, almost spiritual resolution in the final lines is impactful. I liked how you balance grief with the potential for healing or peace.
A good solid poem.
regards
One
Ruby Lord
5 months 1 week ago
Thank you for your read and
Thank you for your read and comment. I'm glad you liked it and felt it worth a comment.
It's about vampires, ha ha, I suppose they are spiritual in a sense but not the way I intended. Much appreciate your visit, Ruby xx
Leslie
5 months 1 week ago
Ruby
I always love to read your poetry! It effectively expresses what we all have felt. I hope you are well and enjoy this beautiful ride.Thank you once more for your tutoring and listening ear. I have very few friends left , but I consider you to be one of my best.
Ruby Lord
5 months 1 week ago
Hi Leslie, thank you for
Hi Leslie, thank you for reading and commenting. I am sorry you feel isolated but I do understand the value you find here on Neopoet. If you want to message me, please do. I am here to help if that's what you need me to do. And I do like helping you with your poetry. There's great reward in learning for both of us. Take care, Ruby xxx
Candlewitch
5 months 1 week ago
Dear Ruby,
I will return when I can give you a proper response to your magnificent poem!
much love, Cat xxx